The Game Of Romance: A Man’s Guide to the Scoring System

1) SIMPLE DUTIES


You go out to buy her flowers: +5

But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It’s her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -6

Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS

You visit her parents: +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

And the television is off: -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6

And you didn’t even go to college: -10

And it’s not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

You give her a gift: 0

You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10

You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1

You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2

You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

With her credit card: -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS

You have a few beers: -9

For every beer after three, -2 again

And miss curfew by an hour: -12

You get home at 3 a.m.: -20

You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

And not wearing any pants: -40

Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU

You go see a comic: +2

He’s crude and sexist: -2

You laugh: -5

You laugh too much: -10

She’s not laughing: -15

You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING

You lose the directions on a trip: -4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10

She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10