So I went and signed up with meetup.com, a singles website that has events that people can go to to meet other singles, so I joined a group. First I was intimidated because I wasn't sure what event to go to (your suppose to go to at least one per month). Do you go to a really crowded one and just watch whats going on, do you go to a small one, etc... So my choices were Salsa Mondays, a small affair, Drinking Thursdays, I don't drink so I think that's out, or the annual beach BBQ day where everybody goes, well that sounded like a blast but, that is scheduled for the day of my Mom's birthday party so that wont work. So I picked Salsa.
I got there a little early I wasn't sure how long it would take. I went outside where the hostesses son and another guy were playing ping pong, so I watched. More people showed up, everyone was very nice, then we finally got started with the Salsa lesson. There were 10 men and 7 women. We learned the steps and then we partnered up and practiced till we got it right. We did switch partners quite often so it was good to mix it up and get to dance with everyone.
It was a little warm that night and dancing is great exercise, so got tired fast. It was great fun though. I will definitely go again next week, but I'm bringing a large jug of ice water. I'm glad I picked a small event for my first, now I at least know a couple of people for next time.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
District 9
So we went to the movies on Saturday. Since we had seen a little kid movie last weekend then I told the older kids I would take them to see a scary movie this weekend. They wanted to see District 9. From the previews it didn't look that bad so I bought the tickets.
The previews showed before the movie were all scary and things that I definitely would not want to go see. 'The Final Destination' ('Final Destination: Death Trip 3D') (2009) Why would you want to see a lot of teenagers stupidly trying to avoid death IN 3D, it's just to much. 'Saw VI' (2009) After the first 1 you've pretty much seen them all. I guess the first thing I should have told you was that I'm not a scary movie watcher. I'm a screamer, and a jumper, 2 things not good in movie theaters. Even at home it can be dangerous. My kids love to watch scary movies then trick me into watching certain parts as I pass through just so they can see me scream and jump. They think it's hilarious.
And Now Back To The Movie.....
So the movie starts and it begins with interviews of people with English accents. They are talking about a space ship that landed. Taking an obvious metaphor for apartheid as a mere jumping-off point, District 9 is set in Blomkamp's hometown of Johannesburg, South Africa, where 20 years earlier a spaceship appeared above the city and mysteriously stopped. Humans "rescued" the starving alien creatures inside it and rounded them up in an area called District 9, which quickly morphed into a slum where Nigerian gangsters prey off the aliens, given the derogatory but accurate nickname "prawns."
The time has finally come for the government agency/weapons manufacturer MNU to relocate District 9 further from the city, and put in charge of the operation is bureaucratic dweeb Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley), a guy who married the boss's daughter and has spent the rest of his life happily pushing pencils in a larger-than-average cubicle. As he serves eviction notices to the prawns who live in the assorted shacks, Wikus takes delight in firebombing alien eggs and wielding his authority like a particularly obnoxious weapon. With lots of alien weapons that only work with Alien DNA. But when he comes afoul of a mysterious substance cooked up by an alien named, for some reason, Christopher Johnson, Wikus almost immediately begins a transformation into the world's first human-alien hybrid. After the government initially tries to slice him up for research and weapons development, Wikus escapes and takes refuge in the only hiding place he has left: District 9.
Not only do the "Aliens" look and act like cockroaches, but they talk by clicking. Somehow humans have learned their language and they have learned some English. The part that I didn't get the most was how do alien beings from another planet build a ginormous space ship and travel across space if they are dumber than humans?
This was definitely a guy movie. If I hadn't gotten the tickets for free I would have definitely wanted my money back.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bumper Stickers
Warning - Some of Bumper Stickers you are about to read are very graphic.
PLEASE DO NOT PUT THESE ON YOUR CAR!
Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
Zero to dick in 60 seconds.
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby?
Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Zero to bitch in 10 seconds
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!
Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......
Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!
Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!
HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Barney sucks.
Life is too short. Don't be a dick.
Forget Subtlety... FUCK YOU!
Most of the time I swallow, but for asshole's like you, I spit...
Fuck the dog watch out for the owner.
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.
Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?
I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats.....so few recipes.
My other ride is your MOTHER!!
Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!
PLEASE DO NOT PUT THESE ON YOUR CAR!
Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
Zero to dick in 60 seconds.
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby?
Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Zero to bitch in 10 seconds
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!
Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......
Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!
Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!
HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Barney sucks.
Life is too short. Don't be a dick.
Forget Subtlety... FUCK YOU!
Most of the time I swallow, but for asshole's like you, I spit...
Fuck the dog watch out for the owner.
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.
Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?
I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats.....so few recipes.
My other ride is your MOTHER!!
Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!
Ain't Young When..........
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someones lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someones lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Importance of Drinking Enough Water
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Appraisal Sheet
Employee Appraisal / Counseling Sheet
This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
Knowledge
[ ] He really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] Brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
Accuracy
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally royally screws up
[ ] Has to take off his/her shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his/her fingers and get the same number twice
Attitude
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his butt frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his job
[ ] Doesn't give a shit, never did and never will
Reliability
[ ] Really dependable
[ ] You can rely on him/her at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him/her to be the first one out the door
[ ] Totally useless/worthless
Appearance
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his/her hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog poop to follow him/her around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, smelly
Performance
[ ] Works if there's money in it for him/her
[ ] Does all kinds of good stuff at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the butt every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he/she were in a coma
Imagine if this was an actual Appraisal Sheet - How would you score?
This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
Knowledge
[ ] He really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] Brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
Accuracy
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally royally screws up
[ ] Has to take off his/her shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his/her fingers and get the same number twice
Attitude
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his butt frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his job
[ ] Doesn't give a shit, never did and never will
Reliability
[ ] Really dependable
[ ] You can rely on him/her at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him/her to be the first one out the door
[ ] Totally useless/worthless
Appearance
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his/her hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog poop to follow him/her around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, smelly
Performance
[ ] Works if there's money in it for him/her
[ ] Does all kinds of good stuff at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the butt every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he/she were in a coma
Imagine if this was an actual Appraisal Sheet - How would you score?
Ponderisms 2
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disneyland the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disneyland the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Learning Chinese
YOU CAN LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES,JUST READ THIS CAREFULLY ....
1) That is not right........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...............................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.............Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.............Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here..................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone..................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile............Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
1) That is not right........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...............................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.............Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.............Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here..................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone..................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile............Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
G-Force
So we finally got to go to the movies it seems like it's been forever. Buying a house can really take up all your time and money.
They are playing G-Force down at the Edwards Theater in 3D. Wow have they come along way with 3D since the last movie I've seen. All of the previews were in 3D the entire G-Force movie was done in 3D, it was really cool.
The movie was very action packed. I loved the way they made all of the animals look so real even really close up. Tapped for the G-Force are guinea pigs Darwin (voice of Sam Rockwell), the squad leader determined to succeed at all costs; Blaster (voice of Tracy Morgan), an outrageous weapons expert with tons of attitude and a love for all things extreme; and Juarez (voice of Penelope Cruz) a sexy martial arts pro; plus the literal fly-on-the-wall reconnaissance expert, Mooch, and a star-nosed mole, Speckles (voice of Nicolas Cage), the computer and information specialist. Along the way, the G-Force encounters myriad other members of the animal kingdom, including pet shop layabout Hurley (voice of Jon Favreau) and the rabidly territorial hamster Bucky (voice of Steve Buscemi). My favorite guinea pig was the girl, Agent Juarez. She kicked butt.
I can't wait for all of the other 3D movies to come out.
They are re-releasing Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D, coming out October, 2009.
There will be a new movie called Astroboy in 3D coming out October 2009.
Planet 51 in 3D (looks like it will be a cute kids movie) will be coming out in time for the Thanksgiving weekend this year.
Avatar 3D coming out the beginning of December.
They did a remake of A Christmas Carol in 3D animation that looks soo good, coming out in November, 2009. Jim Carrey is going to be the voice of Scrooge and the past, present, future ghosts. It's one of those stories that some people need to learn over and over again. Everyone knows at least one scrooge each Christmas.
They are playing G-Force down at the Edwards Theater in 3D. Wow have they come along way with 3D since the last movie I've seen. All of the previews were in 3D the entire G-Force movie was done in 3D, it was really cool.
The movie was very action packed. I loved the way they made all of the animals look so real even really close up. Tapped for the G-Force are guinea pigs Darwin (voice of Sam Rockwell), the squad leader determined to succeed at all costs; Blaster (voice of Tracy Morgan), an outrageous weapons expert with tons of attitude and a love for all things extreme; and Juarez (voice of Penelope Cruz) a sexy martial arts pro; plus the literal fly-on-the-wall reconnaissance expert, Mooch, and a star-nosed mole, Speckles (voice of Nicolas Cage), the computer and information specialist. Along the way, the G-Force encounters myriad other members of the animal kingdom, including pet shop layabout Hurley (voice of Jon Favreau) and the rabidly territorial hamster Bucky (voice of Steve Buscemi). My favorite guinea pig was the girl, Agent Juarez. She kicked butt.
I can't wait for all of the other 3D movies to come out.
They are re-releasing Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D, coming out October, 2009.
There will be a new movie called Astroboy in 3D coming out October 2009.
Planet 51 in 3D (looks like it will be a cute kids movie) will be coming out in time for the Thanksgiving weekend this year.
Avatar 3D coming out the beginning of December.
They did a remake of A Christmas Carol in 3D animation that looks soo good, coming out in November, 2009. Jim Carrey is going to be the voice of Scrooge and the past, present, future ghosts. It's one of those stories that some people need to learn over and over again. Everyone knows at least one scrooge each Christmas.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Rick Martinez presents - Spicy Latino Night @ the Ontario Improv
July 29th 2009 I went to Spicy Latino Night at the Ontario Improve. One of the comedians that performs texts me constantly until I buy tickets. (We'll talk about that later.)
So the first thing that you need to know is that timing is everything. The doors open at 7:30p.m. If you get there the first 10 minutes you will be sitting up front and you will "apart" of the show. Also there is A LOT of sex jokes and cussing, so if you can't handle that then this is not the show for you.
The show started at 8:00 p.m. Porf the host comes out to warm up the audience. He's a cute kid. So Porf announces the comedians before they go up.
First up was James Jericho - he's a white guy who dresses like he works for the daily planet. He tells jokes about comic books and trys to bag on himself a little. I applaud his ability to actually get on stage and speak, but he's not funny. I don't get why he performs at Spicy Latino Night, he's not spicy, & he's not Latino. I think he would be better at comicon or some type of nerd thing, but definitely not Spicy Latino Night.
Next up was Arturo Rios - Wow Art's whole skit is just about eating pussy. He is so passionate about it that it makes you blush (and want to take him home). He actually calls himself the Pussy eating mother fucker. He's very funny. He makes gestures towards the women who are sitting in the front.
Then Eric James - He is a big guy who tells jokes about working at a gym. He was really funny, and did a great job.
Then Lotty Mason came up and did her dancing impersonation of Micheal Jackson, grabbing her crotch. She told a lot of jokes about Micheal Jackson, and she picked on the audience. Lotty is a big black girl with fake contacts and she is very graphic and aggressive in her jokes so she was a little scary.
Then Rick Martinez - he starts his skit off the same way the DJ playing music then he dances and takes the microphone stand reels it down in front of the people sitting in front making it look like it's his dick. Then he tells a story about Porf getting drunk and sucking his dick. After he gets his initial jokes out of the way then he goes after the audience. Asking them questions and roasting them, he usually goes after the girls first and then singles out a guy to pick on. Then he finishes with his joke about dating a beautiful blond girl.
Ricky Escarzega was next - he's a tall cute kid that makes jokes about pot smoking. I brought my 18 year old son and he seemed to laugh at more of his jokes than I did. I was not surprised to learn that he does most of his shows in Hollywood. That seems to be were most of the younger crowd would go.
Luke Torres was up - Now I have to tell you when this guy came out he looked like a serious gangster. Then he opens with making fun of heavy metal and doing spot on impersonations of heavy metal songs. He did an impersonation of a black pastor, and a gay guy. He was soo funny, I would love to see a headliner show with him. He has his own You Tube TV Show.
Jeff Garcia Finished it up - He is a funny guy. He drinks water in between every joke which is a little distracting. He made a lot of jokes about wet backs. He does the voice of Sheen in Jimmy Neutron and the voice of Pip in the Barnyard movie.
Considering this was my 2nd viewing of the show I was pleased to see that the comedians and Porf were not as drunk as the first time I saw them. & I wish there was a little more advertising as to the line up for the shows.
So the first thing that you need to know is that timing is everything. The doors open at 7:30p.m. If you get there the first 10 minutes you will be sitting up front and you will "apart" of the show. Also there is A LOT of sex jokes and cussing, so if you can't handle that then this is not the show for you.
The show started at 8:00 p.m. Porf the host comes out to warm up the audience. He's a cute kid. So Porf announces the comedians before they go up.
First up was James Jericho - he's a white guy who dresses like he works for the daily planet. He tells jokes about comic books and trys to bag on himself a little. I applaud his ability to actually get on stage and speak, but he's not funny. I don't get why he performs at Spicy Latino Night, he's not spicy, & he's not Latino. I think he would be better at comicon or some type of nerd thing, but definitely not Spicy Latino Night.
Next up was Arturo Rios - Wow Art's whole skit is just about eating pussy. He is so passionate about it that it makes you blush (and want to take him home). He actually calls himself the Pussy eating mother fucker. He's very funny. He makes gestures towards the women who are sitting in the front.
Then Eric James - He is a big guy who tells jokes about working at a gym. He was really funny, and did a great job.
Then Lotty Mason came up and did her dancing impersonation of Micheal Jackson, grabbing her crotch. She told a lot of jokes about Micheal Jackson, and she picked on the audience. Lotty is a big black girl with fake contacts and she is very graphic and aggressive in her jokes so she was a little scary.
Then Rick Martinez - he starts his skit off the same way the DJ playing music then he dances and takes the microphone stand reels it down in front of the people sitting in front making it look like it's his dick. Then he tells a story about Porf getting drunk and sucking his dick. After he gets his initial jokes out of the way then he goes after the audience. Asking them questions and roasting them, he usually goes after the girls first and then singles out a guy to pick on. Then he finishes with his joke about dating a beautiful blond girl.
Ricky Escarzega was next - he's a tall cute kid that makes jokes about pot smoking. I brought my 18 year old son and he seemed to laugh at more of his jokes than I did. I was not surprised to learn that he does most of his shows in Hollywood. That seems to be were most of the younger crowd would go.
Luke Torres was up - Now I have to tell you when this guy came out he looked like a serious gangster. Then he opens with making fun of heavy metal and doing spot on impersonations of heavy metal songs. He did an impersonation of a black pastor, and a gay guy. He was soo funny, I would love to see a headliner show with him. He has his own You Tube TV Show.
Jeff Garcia Finished it up - He is a funny guy. He drinks water in between every joke which is a little distracting. He made a lot of jokes about wet backs. He does the voice of Sheen in Jimmy Neutron and the voice of Pip in the Barnyard movie.
Considering this was my 2nd viewing of the show I was pleased to see that the comedians and Porf were not as drunk as the first time I saw them. & I wish there was a little more advertising as to the line up for the shows.
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