Unemployment in the News

Reports trim fears the economy might slide back into recession

Data on jobless, trade gap offer some hope
This morning (2 am on Friday the 17th) I turned on my computer and loaded the Internet. The above titled article was the first thing I saw on my msn.com link. I read the article and immediately had to comment on the msnbc.com website. Following is what I posted.
 
This is the most ridiculous report. I'm so sick of employed people reporting on how the job market is going, if they really want to know then why don't they ask the unemployed people. I had been working for a Property Management /Construction Company for 4 years. When Construction took a turn for the worse the Property Management Company couldn't take the expense and the entire company went under. I was laid off in February of this year and finding another job has been hard. There are so many companies out there that now have the choice to only hire people at minimum wage. You have the high school graduates, the people that have run out of unemployment all together and are desperate and the newly unemployed, you offer any of them $10 hr or below and the high school graduate and the unemployment veteran are going to snag that job in a heartbeat. The truly qualified middle-class American or above is screwed. I would have to take 3 jobs at $10 hr or less, just to make the mortgage, car payment, and feed my kids.


My unemployment ran out in August and I just got the letter saying that it will be continued due to the Federal extension. Can you just imagine how many people out there that have run out of unemployment and don't qualify for the extension. Are we comparing the unemployment rate falling with the welfare rate?

You also have the companies that are eliminating positions while they are posting jobs. I have had 14 responses from employers. Thank you for submitting your resume however we have decided to go in a different direction with this position. The next thing you know that position has been eliminated.

If the job market is doing so well then why is my brother getting laid off at the end of October because his employer decided to replace employee's with automated machines. My Aunt's law firm is down sizing and they are letting people go at the end of the year. My Uncle works for a private school and they are planning on closing by next school year. This is not good news people. The other day I was trying to think of someone I knew that had a job (not many).

Job Hunting

You know the scene in Pretty Women where Julia Roberts comes back from Rodeo Drive and the Hotel Manager pulls her into the office and tells her that she should dress more appropriately if she wants to be seen in the hotel. Then she pulls out all the cash from her pockets and starts crying.

HM: I would also encourage you to dress a little more appropriately; that will be all.

JR: No, that's not all. That's what I was trying to do. I tried to go get a dress on Rodeo Drive today, and the women wouldn't help me and I have all this money now and no dress! Not that I expect you to help me, but I have all of this, okay? I have to buy a dress for dinner tonight and nobody will help me.

That is exactly how I feel. I have all this experience and know one will hire me. When I express my stressed feelings about not having any income, people say well just get a job. I HAVE BEEN TRYING!!! I have applied at every place I can think of. I am overqualified for fast food, and retail stores. I tried not turning in my resume to one employer and just listing the basics on my application but they said I tested to high for the position, come back when they have a supervisory position open.

How about a I have to feed my three kids position - do they have any of those. The doom of a career these days is making to much money. When the economy crashes then companies can't afford to hire you. At this point I will work 2 $10 an hour jobs just to put food on the table and keep the lights on.

Hitting Bottom = No Income, No mate, 3 hungry kids, utilities being shut off, and family that can't help.

Faith = hitting bottom and still believing that everything will be OK.

Crazy = hitting bottom and still believing that everything will be OK.

Slumdog Millionaire

I watched this movie yesterday for the first time. When it came out they kept showing previews of these kids dancing next to trains, so I thought oh great it's a Bali version of high school musical. I immediately wrote it on my do not want to watch list.

Yesterday it was on TV and I just happened to see it. NOTHING like they advertised. It is not a FEEL-GOOD movie. In fact I think I cried through most of it. It is a movie about all the crap this kid went through and how it just happened to be that because of his life experiences he was able to answer most of the questions on Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. Then when he is doing really good they beat him because they think he is cheating. During the entire movie he is searching for the love of his life that he met when he was like 6 yrs old. Every time he finds her something bad happens. It was a good movie about the perspective other countries have on game shows.

Life

Well first off let me say - I suck! For someone that loves to write I haven't been doing a very good job at posting on here!

I had been busy working on my books, selling Tupperware, and looking for a job. My books are confusing me and getting complicated, Tupperware isn't selling and looking for a job sucks. I have applied for property management jobs, accounting jobs, graphic design jobs, office jobs, scale tenant for waste management. Either I get no response or I get an e-mail that says thanks for applying but we have decided to close the position at this time. So had I gotten the job I just would have been laid off right away. The economy really sucks right now, or is it just my life.

Belly Dancing

When I first signed up for belly dancing I was so excited. I had been to a couple of events where they had belly dancers perform. I loved they way they were able to move their bodies. I got ready for class in my comfy loose pants and tank top. I got to the class early and waited out in the hallway for the doors to open. Class began and the 4 of us lined up awaiting instruction. She went over the basic steps and then told us that we would be putting them all together in a dance. She turned and faced the wall of mirrors looking behind her to see if we were following her steps exactly. She couldn't see me because I was standing right behind her, so she had me move over to the left. She started moving and we had to look in the mirror to see all of what she was doing. I looked and I kept seeing this huge woman that barely looked like she was doing the steps. A couple of movements later I realized that was me. I kept messing up the routine, unable to look back into the mirror, I was horrified. She stopped to work with us one-on-one for a while and then some people came in to demonstrate what the full routine would look like when we had gotten it down. I looked over and saw my kids looking through the window. They had been playing at the park and I was glad that they had missed the site of me trying to do belly dancing. At this point I wanted to just go home and throw up.

We left and I held back my tears in the car. When we got home I told the kids I had hurt my knee and needed to go up stairs and lay down. I walked into my room and sat in my office chair. How could I have let myself get this big. I turned and noticed my reflection in the mirrors on the closet door. Then I turned and LOOKED at myself in the wall of mirrors behind me. I realized that even though I had mirrors on 3 out of 4 walls in my room I had actually never looked at myself in them. Come to think of it I had not actually looked at myself in any mirror for the past 14 years. Yea I had pulled a mirror close up to put on my makeup or pluck my eyebrows. I gave myself the daily glance to make sure I matched, but that was it. In my mind I am 125 lbs with long brown hair, perky tits, a plump ass, and a flat stomach. That is who i am when I dream, when I right a story, and when I look down. Every once in a while I would see a picture, get horrified and then forget about it. Not this time the site of all that fat moving when I moved and hiding all of the moving that I thought I was doing has been burned into my retina. That night I dreamt of myself as a fat person. The next day I held up my close before I put them on and they looked like circus tents. The blinders had come off.

A couple of days later we were going hiking and I was excited because exercise would do this body good. We got half way up the hill and I couldn't breath, I felt like I was wearing a fat suit and my joints wouldn't bend. I stopped and thought for a moment. How is it that I could do this hike a month ago with no problem and yet now I thought I was going to die. I don't think that I gained all of this weight in the last month, because all of my close are the same size as they were 14 years ago. So what has changed? Oh yea my perception of myself. How could I go back to thinking thin. Well I definitely wasn't going back to Belly Dancing class. I know I will work on my story and then I will have to think thin. I walked back down the hill and went and sat in the van waiting for the rest of the group to finish. Then when I got home I worked on my story. That night I had a dream where I was back to my old body - the skinny sexy one. The next morning I went back to my ways of not LOOKING into the mirror. I felt better already.
Now I practice my belly dancing in the comfort of my living room (there's no mirror in there).

Drum Circle

The drum is a musical instrument transformed into a healing tool. Drumming is a return to wholeness. It helps humanity maintain its innate connection to the rhythms of nature. Your body has natural rhythms such as the rhythm of your heartbeat, your circadian rhythm, which is sleeping and waking, the rhythm of your breathing, rhythms of brain waves, and hormonal rhythms. Your immune system loves a good beat. Drumming is about self-expression, relaxation, spirituality, quality of life and healing.
You don't need any drumming experience. Drums will be available for you to use or you can bring your own. The philosophy of drumming is about connecting to the beat within you. Healing, like rhythm, comes from within you.
Daniel Ide is an experienced drummer and a great drum circle facilitator. He has a great understanding of the drum and different sounds that you can get depending on the type and how you hit it.
Above is a picture of a drum circle group. Our group meets in a wood paneled room with wood floors. If you just sit while the others are drumming and put your hands on the top of the drum then you can feel the vibrations go through your hands and feet. It is amazing!

OBMS

ORANGE BELT MINERALOGICAL SOCIETY


A nonprofit organization and club promoting education of geology, and the lapidary arts. Donations accepted receipts available upon request, and for larger donations.

Working with Gem Stones and Rocks is called Lapidary.

Lapidary is fun and rewarding. All are welcome to join our meetup group. You will find good information in our links area, the OBMS news letters offer a wealth of information. We also have photos of events and field trips, so join up even if you are not local to this area. We offer Training, and access to a fully tooled Work Shop. Training includes, Lapidary, Field Trips, go collect your own Gems and Rocks with our group and group leaders!

We give instruction on making Jewelry, Silver Smithing, Wire Wrapping, learn how to carve, and much more. After you collect your Gems and Rocks, or make some Jewelry you can sell your finds, and art work at our “Gem and Mineral Tail Gate Show’s” This is a regular event to support our nonprofit organization, so that we can continue educating the community young and not so young and everyone in between, about minerals and the Lapidary arts.

On the first Thursday of the month the general Public is invited to visit our work Shop, and receive the valuable instruction on turning stones into jewlery. You will be shown how to use the shop equipment and have a hands on experience to make your own piece. We will even include the material for your first FREE Visit as our Guest.

THE WORK SHOP IS LOCATED AT: 205 W. BENEDICT #8 SAN BERNARDINO, CA

Just off of Arrowhead Ave, by the Orange Show Grounds

You are welcome to come by any time that we are open for up to four free visits. Visits include personal instruction and the use of the general workshop, first timers will recieve a free gem/lapidary slab to work with and help in creating your first jewlery ready lapidary stone, known as a Cab. Saw use and other items require a donation to use, so that we can replace blades and so on.

You are welcome to become a full OBMS member fees run between $25 and $45 a year( depending on the size of your family), with a $10 first time enrollment fee. Shop or class fees are $5 each time

We are Open, Mondays through Thursdays 5:00 pm to 9:00 pm.

Saturdays 10:00 am to 3:00 pm and often other times as well.

Shop Number: 909-381-0089 Email: OBMS_PR@yahoo.com

Metal Arts Society of Southern California

The Metal Arts Society of Southern California is having their Annual Demonstration Day.


It is from 10 am to 3 pm and the cost is $15 per person.
They have a great line-up of demonstrators.
Melinda Alexander - Riveted Stone Setting-Capture a stone with the simple technique of Rivets

Marne Ryan - Organic Metals-The opportunity to play with fire constructively while creating rich textures in sterling silver
Connie Fox - Define Design-This demo will cover several strategies for clarifying, deepening, and expanding your awareness of your personal jewelry design sensibility
Sandra VanderMey - Coloring Titanium- Enhance your expressions by adding the language of color
Ruth Shapiro - Put Your Best foot Forward- Learn how to make displays that will enhance your work

This event was so informative. There was about 120 people there so we were split up in groups.

We viewed Melinda Alexanders demonstration first. She showed us techniques she had used to make rings and bracelets using rivets. The picture at the right shows an example of that. The 2 stars have been separated by rivets to give it a 3D effect. There are many uses for rivets - you can solder rivets together to get more of a graphic design.

Then we went Sandra VanderMey for her demonstration on Coloring Titanium it was amazing to find out that the amount of electricity applied to a piece of Titanium directly affects the color it will change. Also how applying a torch to the same metal gives you more of a rainbow effect. The picture at the right is torched Titanium twisted and turned into earrings.

We were then sent to Ruth Shapiro's demonstration of jewelry show displays the most amazing part of her demonstration was that almost everything she showed us was something that we could find for free.  The picture at the right is an example of a bracelet tree made from paper towel rolls. If you painted it with a little textured spray paint and everyone will think that you paid tons for it.

We had a delicious lunch catered by Togo's with salad, water, cookies, chips, and a variety of sandwiches. Then they served cake which we were to full to eat.

After lunch it was on to Marne Ryans demonstration of Organic Metals - we were the most impressed with her techniques.  She takes sheets of silver and fuses them together by layering and torching. This gives her pieces a unique 3 dimensional feel and look while still being one solid piece. It gave us great ideas of different things we could do. I just wish that sheets of silver weren't so expensive.


We went to our last demonstration with Connie Fox who gave us more great ideas about defining our own personal design. The sociology of it all. Make what you like. I think that's great advice.

I would suggest that if anybody has a chance to go next year that you definitely do it.

World Labyrinth Day

On World Labyrinth Day people are joining together all over the world and at 1pm (Pacific Time) we will all walk labyrinths together trying to send a wave of good feeling over the earth. If your wondering what a labyrinth is I have given you many definitions but to some it up it is a maze that you walk in peace and quiet thinking about what you would like to focus on in the up and coming month. So you would walk into it with a positive good intention and walk out with a plan. I personally love labyrinths because they calm me. I think this will be a great event and I hope you join me.
Prehistoric labyrinths are believed to have served as traps for malevolent spirits or as defined paths for ritual dances. In medieval times, the labyrinth symbolized a hard path to God with a clearly defined center (God) and one entrance (birth).
Labyrinths can be thought of as symbolic forms of pilgrimage; people can walk the path, ascending toward salvation or enlightenment. Many people could not afford to travel to holy sites and lands, so labyrinths and prayer substituted for such travel. Later, the religious significance of labyrinths faded, and they served primarily for entertainment, though recently their spiritual aspect has seen a resurgence.
Many newly made labyrinths exist today, in churches and parks. Labyrinths are used by modern mystics to help achieve a contemplative state. Walking among the turnings, one loses track of direction and of the outside world, and thus quiets the mind. The Labyrinth Society provides a locator for modern labyrinths all over the world.
What the Inland Empire Metaphysical Family is Saying about this meetup:


Join us for the second annual World Labyrinth Day with the intention of spreading the healing benefits of the labyrinth. This is a global event that brings people from all over the planet together in celebration of the labyrinth as a symbol, a tool, a passion or a practice.
We will "Walk As One at 1" in an attempt to create a wave of peaceful energy moving around the planet. People will be walking a labyrinth at 1:00 P.M. in their local time zone. Think Globally, Walk Locally.
There will be a variety of Labyrinths to walk, you may walk one or all of them.

We went the first day of May, it was a gorgeous day. The wind was blowing just enough to keep the sun at bay. We walked all over the Glen Ivy center property exploring 5 different Labyrinths. We had nice snacks in the gazebo while the children went on a nature hike. Everyone had a great time.

Salt - Day X Exists

So we were sitting the theater this weekend waiting to see Iron Man 2 and the previews came up for SALT. I turned to the kids and asked "hasn't that movie come out yet?" I have seen this movie advertised for so long that I thought it had come out and i just missed it. So in the preview that they flashed they advertised a new game they launched called SALT - Day X Exists. So I went and checked it out. It kinda seems like another way to draw out the advertising until the actual opening.

You log in and watch a clip then you interact with the computer and play a mini game giving you a score depending on how you play and how fast you play you are given a score. Then you are suppose to read the closing report and find the clue codes. There are also bonus codes that you find in the trailer. I think it's cool but the Movie is suppose to come out July 23rd 2010. You will be given a new mission to complete every week for 9 weeks which just happens to get you all the way to the week of the movie opening. If you want to check it out go to www.dayxexists.com

Lemon Festival

The Upland Lemon Festival was the weekend of 24th in April - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I was there Saturday from 2pm to 10pm. I worked in the Tupperware booth, thank you to those who came by and said Hi!
We enjoyed good friends and good times, with great food, carnival rides and games, lemon flavored items, and artisans from all parts of California. We were located next to the gazebo so we could see most of the foot traffic. There was tons of people that were there on Saturday during the day, it did slow down a little at night. I did notice that a lot of people had purchased less this year than last year. Last year I watched as people walked by with bags of stuff from local vendor booths strollers with stuff and parents carrying kids. This year they went for the food and the fun and looked at vendor items but not much buying going on.

Living To Learn

Well I did it, I started my own Meetup today. It's called Living To Learn. This group is for people that want to learn about many different things. We will be learning about cooking, dancing, computers, jewelry making, pottery, finances, gaming, writing, ourselves, and anything else you would like to learn with other inquisitive people.
When I had first thought about starting this group my son came home from High School orientation and was devastated by the fact the school had cut there cooking class. With him wanting to be a culinary artist when he grows up I could see his concern. I had dealt with this before with my older son who wanted to be an artist and was told they were cutting the art class out of the high school. I spoke with many of there friends and learned that there are many things that the kids aren't learning in high school. If you don't learn it in high school and you don't go on to college then when do you learn it? So some of the things that we will be covering are the basics - how to balance a check book, how to cook a meal, how to draw, how to sew, etc... Then we will also learn the fun stuff, how to make jewelry, how to do pottery and work with clay, how to belly dance, how to play black jack, how does a craps table work, how to play Bunco, etc... We can also get into the serious computer functions; excel, word, QuickBooks, e-mail, etc... We will also be getting together as people who have problems so that we can learn that were not alone. We will talk about things like being unemployed, being large in a small world, being single, being parents, etc... There is so much that we all can learn from each other.
I love to learn and wanted to start this group so that I could bring other inquisitive minds together. "A day without learning is a day closer to death." OUCH I plan on learning something new every day."

I am hoping that many great people join and that it is awesome!

The Key to Every Woman's Heart

A group of girlfriends go on vacation and see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "for women only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.


The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you're looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."

The women talk it over and decide to go for it.

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly."

This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the third floor where the sign reads "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good but there are still two more floors so.........

So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the FIFTH floor has to offer before they settle.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."

English for Both Sexes

The Man's Guide to Female English...


We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it

I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?



The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this

What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

The Game Of Romance: A Man’s Guide to the Scoring System

1) SIMPLE DUTIES


You go out to buy her flowers: +5

But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It’s her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -6

Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS

You visit her parents: +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

And the television is off: -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6

And you didn’t even go to college: -10

And it’s not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

You give her a gift: 0

You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10

You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1

You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2

You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

With her credit card: -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS

You have a few beers: -9

For every beer after three, -2 again

And miss curfew by an hour: -12

You get home at 3 a.m.: -20

You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

And not wearing any pants: -40

Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU

You go see a comic: +2

He’s crude and sexist: -2

You laugh: -5

You laugh too much: -10

She’s not laughing: -15

You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING

You lose the directions on a trip: -4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10

She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):


1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

• Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
• Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."

A Matter Of Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words,


"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Two New Elements Discovered!: Wo and Xy

From Christopher G. Worley, Los Alamos National Laboratory


Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.



Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.



Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Computer Gender

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.


The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

We vs. They

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?? Two mothers-in-law.


A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."

The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. Wedding cake.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months? I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Brains

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.


"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

Santa Claus is a Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!


For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.

• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

• Men don't answer their mail.

• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous — definite guy.

• Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

The Assignment

We had been given an assignment for the past couple of months. After the meeting we needed to listen to the first song that we heard on the radio when we got in our cars and then write a scene about it. Most of the time when I got in the car either the radio wasn’t on or the DJ’s were talking and by the time a song came on I didn’t even think about it. This time was different. It was a cold and rainyWednesday night after 10 pm and as I started the engine, a song came on the radio it was a love song. As the words streamed out of the radio into my ears I could feel a cold chill running down my body to my feet making me numb. Being single for 3 years now I programmed myself to block out love songs so that I didn’t get depressed. As much as I tried to block out the song I kept thinking of the assignment and then it happened. I got really depressed. I flashed back to when we were leaving and Sandy had said “It’s late, you guys better get home someone will be worried.” My kids might be worried if they were awake.

It’s been hard being single, the first year after the divorce I was angry and hurt so I kept busy, very busy, working 60 hours a week and trying to balance the schedule of three kids. The second year I bought a house (a fixer upper), I still worked to much overtime and I started Salsa Dancing lessons on Monday nights and somehow I still barely had time for the kids. The whirlwind of busyness had gone on for 3 years, 2 months, and 18 days until the day I got laid off, or should I say the day after.

The alarm went off and I jumped out of bed, as usual yelled at all of the kids to get up. Got dressed, said bye to the boys, got my daughter in the car and dropped her off at school. I drove to Baker’s Drive Thru for my morning tea and then ….. it hit me, I had no where to go! I tried to think of something that I could do but nothing is open at 7:15 in the morning, so I drove back home. I looked around the house to see what projects I had time for now.  Of course the more projects I took on the more depressed I got, I just kept thinking isn’t this a man’s job. I miss being touched not just sexually but even a hug, or holding hands. I miss looking lovingly into someone’s eyes. I miss doing something and having someone one care how my day went. I hear other people complain about their wife or husband and it really makes me mad. If you’re bitching to bitch then shut up, if you’re seriously not happy then let them go so that they can find their soul mate and you can find yours. I think that’s why I haven’t even tried looking, I feel like he’s not out there yet.

I am grateful for this writing assignment because I had been going through life – just going through it. Since our last meeting on February 24th I have felt, thought and experienced more life then I thought I could handle. Writing helps, but apart of me wants to just jump back into that busy life so that I don’t have to think about it, or feel it. Right now writing a novel, being a Tupperware Lady, fixing my house and my kids is going to have to be enough.

The Car Accident...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends."

The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, "I agree with you completely."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Scene in a Strip Bar

As I drove up to the building and parked I noticed a couple of cars parked out back. I sat in the car for a minute taking deep breaths. I could feel my hands shacking and the warm blood rising to my cheeks. I stepped out of the car and into the cool crisp air wrapping my coat around me tighter. As I walked up to the door I just kept saying to myself, “I’m doing this for my kids, I’m doing this for my kids.” I took another deep breath and walked in. It was very dark; it took my eyes a minute to adjust. I could see a man sitting on a stool at the bar reading the paper, I assumed this was Tony the owner. Another man was mopping the floors.


“Oh hey, you must be Amanda right?” The man said to me.

“Yes, I’m Amanda.”

“Yea Barbie told me you were coming. So you want to try out to be a Dream Girl, huh?” He said as he laughed at me.

“Yes.” I said. I thought to myself again, why am I here, oh yea because I need the money.

“OK so let’s look at the merchandise.” He said as he walked over to me. I gave him a look as if I was a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. He unwrapped my jacket and pushed it off of me dropping it to the floor. I stood there in the sexy outfit that Barbie had me wear. He walked around me looking me up and down just nodding.

“Not bad!” he said as he smacked my ass. “Now let’s see what you can do.” He pointed to the stage.

“Hey Tommy put some music on for this lovely lady.” He yelled.

Thank God “Barbie” whose real name is Janice had been working with me for a couple of weeks now on my routine. I walked up the stairs, my 6” stilettos just barely catching the step so that I didn’t fall back. I walked up to the pole and the music started it was Touch My Body by Mariah Carey. I thought it was kind of appropriate for the moment. I “made love to the pole” like Janice had showed me, and then I slid to the floor crawling like a cat making sure to do movements like having sex “doggy style”. I went through the favorite moves of horney drunk guy’s checklist, remembering to move slowly and touch myself a lot. Then the song was over. I got up and looked over at Tony.

“Well done, now let’s see if you can fuck like that for real.” He said as he motioned to the back room.

“I don’t think so.” I said, as I grabbed my coat and started to walk out.

“STOP! I was just testing you. You got the job, if you still want it.” He said sincerely. “You can start tomorrow night, Angel.”

“Angel?” I asked “Yea that will be your stage name.” He said as he looked me up and down again.

“OK” I said, as I walked out the door. This better pay as much as “Barbie” said if I have to put up with this crap.

New Chapter

So HELLO! I had blogged before about being told that I was going to be laid off. So Yesterday was the day. Yep I'm officially jobless. Since then (January 6th) I have been going through the motions I was shocked at first then I woke up one morning and thought it had been a dream and I was in denial it was actually happening. Then I was angry (very angry) how could these people that I had devoted my life to for the past 4 years be "dumping me". Then I just cried - I cried until I couldn't cry any more. I felt abandoned and I was just so depressed. Then I remembered that everything happens for a reason. I have been so lonely and asking for my life to change. Well be careful what you ask for! So I figure that this is the universes way of setting me on my new path. I just keep thinking hopefully my next job will have plenty of good looking single guys. Then I was able to feel acceptance. Now don't get me wrong - that thought didn't cure me. I still go through the cycles. They are just smaller and don't last as long and don't hurt as much.
I was watching that new show undercover boss where the president of Waste Management went to different locations under cover and he was visiting the scales. There was a woman who worked there that ran everything. She did all of the office, payroll, A/P, A/R and then went down and ran the scales and the phones. Basically she was me. Then the President went and worked with her for the day and realized that she was doing the job of 5 people and he wanted to help her and reward her for that. So she got promoted to Supervisor and got to hire 2 people to replace her and she got a raise. Watching that killed me - I was doing the job of 8 people and I got laid off, only to train 4 people other people to replace me - How is that cost effective. Then that just made me think it's me or my attitude or whatever. Then the cycle started all over again.
In December I had talked with a Tupperware director about singing up. I had originally wanted to do Tupperware as a side business and a way to organize my kitchen and house. So I actually started Tupperware on January 22, 2010. I am tonight receiving an award for top sales in the month of February. I also have always wanted to be able to teach life skills and now I'm seriously considering starting to do it. I can incorporate my Tupperware by having cooking demo classes. I'm really excited about this. I just have to figure out how to keep financially afloat while living the dream.

Antonio Ballatore

Antonio Ballatore was the winner of Design Star 2009. He is going to have a new show The Antonio Treatment that premieres Sunday night at 10:00 p.m. on HGTV March 14, 2010. It will be on every Sunday and Tuesday night.

While I was watching Design Star I kept thinking wow this guy is hot, and he can design and build. What a catch, his wife must be so proud to have him. Then I find out he's single, WHAT! What is a guy that is the total package doing single, I would take him in a heart beat.

If I can't have him then I would want him to come and work on my house. I will definalty be watching his new show.
I will post more once the show airs.

Totally Looks Like

Funny Office Clips

Gonna Be A Bear

To All The Great Moms

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.


"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Three Blondes

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
'You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
Are you ready for this????
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Joe's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now .' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Only Great Minds Can Read This!

This is weird, but interesting!


fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the


bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.



"Magic Beer," he says.



She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after

realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the

man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"



"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the

window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the win dow.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes

another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three

times, and comes back in the window.



She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says

to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."



She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets

30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.



The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman,

you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

86-year old lady's letter to bank......

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.




Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due

course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call..
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.

Being A Mother

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take


another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I

know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with

you. "The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who

has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three

children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night

I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. "What's wrong,

are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects

that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. "I

thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I

responded "just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and

then said, "I would like that very much.”That Friday after work, as I

drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her

house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She

waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was

wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding

anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. "I

told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were

impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear

about our meeting. "We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant,

was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First

Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu.

Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I

lifted my eyes and saw Mother sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic

smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when

you were small," she said "Then it's time that you relax and let me

return the favor," I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable

conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of

each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we

arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but

only if you let me invite you." I agreed. "How was your dinner date?"

asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice, much more so than I could

have imagined," I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive

heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do

anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of

a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined. An

attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I

could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you

and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant

for me. I love you, son. "At that moment, I understood the importance of

saying in time: "I love you." and to give our loved ones the time that

they deserve nothing in life is more important than our family. Give

them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off until

'some other time. 'Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to

normal after you've had a baby.... That somebody doesn't know that once

you're a mother, "normal" is history. Somebody said you can't love the

second child as much as you love the first....that somebody doesn't have

two or more children. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother

is labor and Delivery....that somebody never watched her "baby" get on

the bus for the first day of kindergarten...or on a plane headed for

military "boot camp. "Somebody said a Mother can stop worrying after her

child gets married....well that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds

a new son or daughter-in-law to a Mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a

Mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....that somebody

never had grandchildren. Somebody said your Mother knows you love her, so

you don't need to tell her... That somebody isn't a Mother. Pass this

along to all the "Mothers" in your life and to everyone who ever had a

mother. This isn't just about being a Mother; it's about appreciating the

people in your lives while you have them....no matter who that person

is. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some

kind of battle.