To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.


2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk and label it "In box".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favours"

7. Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

11. Sing along at the opera.

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

13. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.

14. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

15. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives - they're loose!"

90# on your telephone

You have to REALLY want to believe in UFO's, Crop Circles and conspiracy theories to believe that the phone company is smart enough to pull this off. It is and they don't.
Here are the several variations of the email - Remember it is a FAKE:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I received a telephone call from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service Technician that was running a test on our telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test we should touch nine (9), zero (0), pound sign (#) and hang up. Luckily, we were suspicious and refused. Upon contacting the telephone company we were informed that by pushing 90# you end up giving the individual that called you access to your telephone line and allows them to place a long distance telephone call, with the charge appearing on your telephone call. We were further informed that this scam has been originating from many of the local jails/prisons. I have verified with UCB Telecomm. that this actually happens. Please beware.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is virtually impossible for this method to work on the average residential or cell

phone customer. In theory, it can work on PBX systems (such as in a hotel or business where you have to press '9' to obtain an outside line, which connects the scammer to an outside line, from which

he can run up significant charges. But even so, in most cases, the only result you'll obtain from trying this is likely to be a fast busy signal. An obviously, residences don't have multi-line PBX systems! So, if you don't have to dial 9 to get an outside dial tone at home, then you needn't worry about this!
And if you want to see the humorous side of hoax emails, read the spoof of the bubble-boy scams.

The Words I Can Not Say

These are the words I cannot say
But they come from the heart
Despite all the arguments

I've liked you from the start

I like the way your mind works
The way you're so unique
And when I'm in my darkest hour
I long to hear you speak
I like the way you walk
The way you slightly smile
And when you move close to me
You cause my heart to go wild
I like the ways you're different
I like those mysterious eyes
Actually I like everything
Even what's inside
I long for you to hold me
To feel your lips on mine
I know it wont work yet
We need a little more time
But these are all the things
I guess I cannot yet say
Like how I somehow manage
To think of you all day
Yes I'm scared you'll hurt me
Just break me and leave
I don't want to have to worry
I don't want to be deceived
How all this can work
I'll guess we'll never know
But don't turn your back on me yet
I'm not quite ready for you to go
I'm sorry for writing this
But its all I can do
It the only way for me
To say I love you
For these are the words
I just cannot say
But things will be different
One day...

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich..
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
_______________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

TV Shows

So I was making a list today of all the TV shows I have on my DVR's that I watch, watched, or will watch in the summer. The list is very impressive. I actually don't watch these the night they're on, I gave up watching commercials, and the news for my New Years Resolution  1/1/2009. It was made my life much easier. So the other day I watching like 12 shows in a row. I thought to myself what am I doing? Then it came to me,  if I jam all these shows into my brain and the parts that I remember win. Since I have eliminated the news and commercials out of my life then the rest becomes creative stories. Which gives me great ideas for my own creative writing.



Monday
How I Met Your Mother
Heroes
Two and ½ Men
The Big Bang Theory
Castle
CSI: Miami
Psych
Bones

Tuesday
NCIS: Los Angeles
NCIS
The Good Wife
The Forgotten

Wednesday
Gary Unmarried
Criminal Minds
CSI: New York
V
Eastwick

Thursday
Survivor
CSI: Las Vegas
The Mentalist

Friday
Ghost Whisperer
Numbers
White Collar

Saturday
Keeping Up With/ Kardashians
Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami

Sunday
Brothers and Sisters
Desperate Housewives
Amazing Race 15

Summer

Eureka
Warehouse 13
The Philanthropist
Ruby
Drop Dead Diva
The Closer
Royal Pains
Hawthorne
Big Brother
Saving Grace
In Plain Sight
Lost

Cancelled
Eleventh Hour
Lipstick Jungle
Real Simple Real Life
True Beauty
Life
Women’s Murder Club
The 4400
Dead Zone

Dating Profiles

I think I've mentioned before that I joined yet another dating site. Plenty of Fish .com. I've been reading some of my "match" profiles and I have to tell you if this is the kind of guys that are out there I'm scared. I had to show you this real life profile of this guy his photo and user name have been changed for his protection. What am I supose to do if the profiles that I read although amusing are of 41 year old males that still live with their parents. Say they like watching TV (while it's off). Reading this I was amused and annoyed all at the same time.


                                                Rough8

City: S. Orange County California
Sign: Taurus
Height: 6' 1" (185 cm)
Age: 41 year old Man
Relationship: N/A
Smoker: No
Ethnicity: Caucasian with Brown hair
Body Type: Thin
Religion: Non-Religious
Chemistry: N/A
I am Seeking a Woman For Dating
Do you drink? No
Marital Status: Single
Profession: Sr. Electrocule Transfer Specialist
Smarts: Some college
Do you want children? Undecided/Open
Do you do drugs? No
Do you have children? No
Do you have a car? Yes
Interests: Tying knots in anchor chains, Melting ice cubes with a magnifying glass, Conversing with ghosts of extraterrestrials, Juggling Jello

About Me:
Hello -
The good news. I am financially set for life. I recently received some wonderful emails informing me that I have won the Australian lottery and the Netherlands lottery. I have also received an email from the spouse of a dignitary in a foreign country that needs my help in moving several million dollars out of their country and they will pay me a large percentage of it. I have sent them all my banking information. So anytime now I should be very surprised at the size of my bank account.

As soon as I collect my winnings and commission I figure I should have loads of millions. So as you can see, financially speaking I am doing phenomenally well.
On another positive note, many years ago a friend told me that the overall mojo in my astrological chart has a powerful cosmic configuration. So yeah I got that going for me too.
Now a little about my personal life.

I like to watch TV and eat cheese puffs. I usually eat an entire bag in one sitting. I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Look, they are puffs. Get it? Puffs. That means they are puffed with air. You could smush the contents of an entire bag to the size of one piece of toast. So I guess basically, I like to eat air.

I love mild Pace Picante sauce, but I almost never eat it. Yeah, try and figure that one out.

When not watching TV I sit and work at the computer. No, I am not fat. I am horizontally challenged. Ok, not really. I'm actually slim. When I get full I stop eating. I like milk shakes but I am too lazy to make them. I eat pretty healthy most of the time thanks to my laziness. I still live at home with my parents. I could move anytime I want but I figure I might as well spend time with them now before the economy collapses, cause when they're gone, they're gone. Of course if science discovers how to reverse aging sometime in the not too distant future then I am going to be more miffed than a multi-legged creature at a foot stompin' contest.
I used to do modeling but no more...frankly I just don't have room for any more planes or cars under my bed.

I don't go out much because its mostly pretty irritating and boring. Although I watch some TV, for the most part I avoid it because so much of it is a mind numbingly mind numbing. A four year old with a box of used crayons could create better content. Ok, there are a few good shows, but the crayons win most of the time. (BTW, does anyone know how to remove crayon from a TV screen?)

I am not religious but do have a wrist watch with spirit hands.

I take naps during the day cause it seems better that way.
I am not a drinker but I do drink socially. I need to socialize everyday at least 4-5 times a day. Ok, not really. Actually I avoid drinking, smoking, drugs, and other such unhealthy things. What's that you say? I sound boring. Ha. Just wait till you read further down. ExCiTeMeNt is my middle name!

I think its good to exercise, too bad it takes so much effort.

Sometimes I am haunted by the notion that I ought to be doing something important. This causes me some consternation, but I just lay down on my bed until the feeling goes away.
Sometimes I think of something really funny and make myself laugh out loud. Fortunately I only do this when I am alone so nobody thinks I am daffy. I did do it once at the grocery store. I managed to evade the guys in white suits with the big net by hiding in the cereal aisle. I acted like a box of Cheerios.

Why is it so hard to keep plants alive? I mean, shouldn't watering them once a year be enough?

I can sit and stare at the TV for hours on end. Sometimes I will even turn it on.

I love to snuggle. Me and my Snuggie are inseparable.
My favorite sport is sleeping. Why don't they have sleeping in the Olympics? I know why. They're afraid I will hog all the gold medals.

I've kinda vowed to give up yoga. The last time I tried it my head was stuck under my thigh for three hours.

Sometimes I think cell phones are great, other times I think they are the beast designed to destroy peace and relaxation. One thing for sure, most are a nice size and weight for throwing a remarkable distance. (They also make a neat 'plunk' sound when hitting the water.) As you can tell I am a tech type person. I can even get my devices to stop flashing 12. Here's the secret, duct tape.

I enjoy both the outdoors and the indoors. Whether its hiding under my bed or camping in the back yard with an RV.
Do you like action and adventure? Well look no further! I am an expert at video games(see I told you my middle name was excitement). However, I am not all fun and games. I am also studious. I'm currently reading a book. Yea, remember....those paper things. I'm only on page 203. It's a 598 page book entitled "The Beauty of Brevity." Yep, I peeked at the ending. Now I am having an awful time motivating myself to read the rest.
Most people say chemistry is very important. Well I am here to tell you that I have had the periodic table up on my wall for many years. I have a chemistry set and everything. If you don't have one, relax, there are many things in the kitchen and laundry room you can use to make great chemical reactions. I don't have an advanced degree or anything but I do know my way around a lot of bubbly things. So think about that before you pass this profile by. I just may be the fizzy reaction you are looking for.
Numerology is fun, so if you are going to respond please be exactly 5 foot 7.836 inches tall(I'm 6 foot 1.0829 inches which of course is a perfect match). Feel free to respond regardless of height but I can't guarantee instant chemistry.

Hmmm.... actually I can't guarantee instant chemistry even if you are that height.

DISCLAIMER: There are no guarantees of instant chemistry.
The questionnaire asked if I owned a car, but it didn't ask if it runs. Hehe.

At night, sometimes I will cover up one headlight and pretend I am a motorcycle.
What in the world is with the e-mail settings at this place?

-> Only allow messages from users within [75] [20,000] miles.

That's the only two choices?!?

20,000 miles??? Well at least I can screen out people in geosynchronous orbit.

As for you people on the Moon, tooooo bad haha.

P.S. If you don't know how to crop your picture just send it to me and I'll do it. It will save countless people from having to use a ouija board to find out which is you or why that other guy is there.

First DateFor the first meeting, we should probably meet someplace neutral, like Switzerland. If that's not doable, then the middle of the Mojave Desert at midnight, and we're only allowed to bring a driver and one briefcase each. The second meeting should be something fun, or interesting. Not a movie. I can fall asleep in front of one of those by myself.

Nothing too extravagant. We could go to the cookie dough factory and sneak away from the main tour and then make a giant cookie dough monster.(This is a bit dangerous. If we get caught they usually make you eat the whole thing.) Or maybe a picnic at night. Is moonlight enough for a picnic? Maybe the best is a relaxing walk among tall trees and quiet waterfalls. But maybe there's something even better. Some things have to remain a mystery.
 //\\ Put this on your
((*)) profile if you have
//  \\ ever received a gift
//   \\ without a ribbon or bow.

#..........# Put this in your
#...\o/...# profile if you have
#.........# ever been in a
#../.\.....# magician's act.


....**.........**..... Put this on your
.*****...*****.. profile if you have
.****.....****... ever made a pancake
..**********.... in the shape of a
...********...... Mickey Mouse head.
....******......
……………Put this on your profile if
……………you have ever walked into an
……………electric fence.
[/\] Put this endurance ribbon on your profile if you have read this far in my profile.
Mail Settings (To message rough8 you MUST meet the following criteria.)
Must not have used dancing bananas on your profile

You must have a profile with a consistent theme and color palette

Your profile must express your inner essence not your personality

Must not have messaged users looking for movie stars homes

You must have a 3D hologram to contact this user

You must have at least one song that has gone platinum to contact this user

Must not have messaged users looking for exotic wild and crazy times

Must not talk on more than two cell phone at once while driving

Must live on Earth

Must be looking for a close encounter of the third kind

Must not be in a harem

Must not lobby for pharmaceutical companies

Must not have messaged users looking for lost car keys

Must not hide the remote when your favorite show is coming on

Must not visit Victoria's Secret more than twice a week

Must not open new loaf of bread when there are three slices left in old one

Must not have messaged any users who have played golf during an electrical storm

Must not play your bagpipes after 9pm

Must not have tap dancing pet elephant

Must not have driven an ATV backwards over sand dune at night

Must not have landed your Lear jet with landing gear in up position

Must not have used 10 items or less line with 11 or more items
Mail Settings (To message rough8 you MUST meet the following criteria.)

Must not do drugs

Must not be married

Must not smoke

Receipts

I had gotten this e-mail from a friend of mine. He and his wife had just gone to a local drug store and purchased 1 item, and his wife commented on how long the receipt was for just one item. He decided to go home and make up his own receipt. I just thought I would share it with you.

Thanks for shopping at BigMart Shopping Center and Pharmacy.

This is your receipt!

Merchant ID: JASABAZADOODOO9

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

BIGMART! WHERE EVERY DEAL IS A BARGAIN!

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

You were served by: Bob Darmott, employee #4212562018596046198, badge #1388721032120015. If you have any personal beefs with Bob Darmott, he can be found at his home address: 2099 Baycliff Ave.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Please bring this receipt with you if you wish to return your product. This receipt is in no way a guarantee that you will receive your money back, and we reserve the right to change, alter, or lie about any part of this receipt that we so choose. Customer service representatives are authorized to grab this receipt from your hands and then deny that you ever presented it to them.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

BIGMART! WHERE EVERY TIME YOU VISIT IS WHEN YOU SHOP HERE!

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Please cut out and save this portion of your receipt to receive a $5.00 discount on the new top-selling album Hamsters of Anarchy. Coupon is redeemable only at this location on Thursday evenings after five in the late fall months, which are determined solely at our discretion.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

BIGMART! WHERE WHAT YOU SPEND IS THE PRICE YOU PAY!

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Our marketing executives are so desperate for your feedback that they will award you big money, cash prizes, and/or nothing if you visit us at www.BigMart.com and participate in a short twenty-five minute survey. Please be advised that none of the questions asked will be relevant to the things you find most annoying about our store, and you will never get a chance to express those sentiments to anyone who can do something about it.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

BIGMART! WHERE YOUR EXPERIENCE IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU!

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

BigMart is committed to keeping our environment green. As a result, we offer this nature-friendly suggestion: Please do not throw out your receipt! It can be recycled in many creative ways. You can use it as a blindfold or, if you move it three inches upwards, a funny headband. Receipts for purchases over $100 are long enough that they can be rolled around empty toilet paper rolls and used for personal hygiene. Or, if you like, there is enough room on the backside of one of our receipts for you to write an entire novel, including several appendixes.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

BIGMART! WHERE SAVING MORE WILL COST YOU LESS!

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Again, thank you for shopping at BigMart! We know you have many other choices, some of which are vastly superior, so we are extremely grateful that you went slumming and came to our store. Please honor us with your presence again. We so greatly appreciate your business that we are willing to do anything for you except for teaching our employees basic social skills. Please return as soon as humanly possible. If you leave the store, get out to your car, and realize that you have forgotten something, we recommend immediately turning around and coming back into the store. At that time, you will undoubtedly indulge in some more impulse buying. If impulse buying is a problem for you, please call 1-900-GET-POOR, and you will be connected with a counselor who can help relieve the guilt you feel over your spending problem. (Calls are $2.50 per minute for the first three minutes and $7.00 a minute thereafter. Additional fees may apply.)

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Your fortune for today:

HAPPY SMILES WILL BRING YOU PEACEFUL PROSPERITY

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Oh yeah, your purchase total was: $4.98.

Your total savings for today were: $0.00

Your balance was paid with: Credit Card, Cash, Check, or Personal Favor.

(Note to employees: please circle one.)

A gratuity has been included in the cost of your items.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Copies of this receipt are also available in German, Spanish, Hungarian, and French.

Customer agrees to all terms and conditions regardless of whether they know such terms and conditions exist.

No purchase necessary You may obtain receipts for products you did not buy at www.BigMart.com.

For official rules to an imaginary contest that no real person will actually ever win, please visit www.BigMart.com.

To earn rewards, work hard in life and don’t expect some store to give them to you. It’s not our responsibility.

Couldn’t find what you were looking for? Tough!

For questions: please call 1-900-GET-LOST.

Have a nice day!

***Customer Copy***

Receipt #73186510.324

Ticket #8

Password that will allow you into official CIA records: I82MUCH

Random meaningless code: #$AK:fow1e;oa

APPROVED

PLEASE SAVE THIS RECEIPT FOR YOUR RECORDS

(PREFERRABLY IN A THREE-RING BINDER)

How Adam Got Eve

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib
Of course the rest is history............!!!!

A Doctor to Love

A Doctor You Can Love ...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain ... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! Foods fried in vegetable oil ... how getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me!
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets

Wife From Hell (Or Just Wants A Divorce)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part.. :

'Only when he's been drinking...'

2-Way Glass

No space leave the place"
Can you tell when you are in a hotel room, restroom, motel, fitting room, dance club etc. with a mirror whether it is in fact a mirror or 2-way glass?

Here's how:
I thought it was quite interesting! And I know in about 30 seconds you're going do what I did and find the nearest mirror... Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not? This is not to scare you, but to make you aware. A policewoman who travels all over the U.S. and gives seminars and techniques for businesswomen passed this on. When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror (i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them)? There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by just looking at it.

So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of mirror we are looking at? Just conduct this simple Test:

Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, FOR IT IS A 2-WAY MIRROR!
"No Space, Leave the Place" So remember, every time you see a Mirror, do the "fingernail test." It doesn't cost you anything.

*77

It was about 1:00 p...m. In the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. AnUNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren's parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc.


Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *77 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.

Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.

I never knew about the *77 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car , you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them ( i e. Put on your hazard lights) & call*77 like Lauren did.

Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit of wonderful information.

*Speaking to a service representative at ** Bell ** Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to State trooper info. So, now it's your turn to let your friends know about *77.

Send this to every woman (and person) you know ; it may save a life..

This applies to ALL 50 states.

Celebrate Your Birthday at Disneyland

We went to Disneyland for my birthday witch was really cool because I got in free. I was surprised by how many things people were celebrating that got them in free. Birthdays, Anniversaries, newly married, it was nice to see Disneyland finally giving back. It's so hard to get any discount to get it. Next year they are supose to have a promotion "give a day get a day" where people will be able to volunteer for certain things and they they get a voucher for free admission. That would be so cool because if I take my whole family to volunteer then we can all go for free. I'm very excited about this. While we were there they had changed the Haunted Mansion into the Nightmare Before Christmas, it was a breath of fresh air to see something new. I also liked that they added a couple of disney caracters into It's a Small World but considering it was Disney I think they could have done way better.

Ducks vs Canucks - Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday was a great night for Hockey. Ryan and Hiller are definately keepers. It was the best Ducks game I've been to yet. Friday seemed like a dream come true the Referees weren't assholes calling every little thing a penalty. The fights that started to break out were broken up quickly and the players were sent back to the team box. The goalies were actually paying attention, thank you Jonas Hiller, he was catching the puck left and right. He wasn't leaving the goal like past goalies, in fact when the Canucks goalie did leave the goal we made our move and sunk a goal, it was beautiful. Below is a recap from the eye in the sky.

ANAHEIM – The Anaheim Ducks, who struggled mightily over a four-game losing streak, possibly never looked better while smashing it to smithereens tonight at Honda Center.
Ryan and Perry's two goals apiece were part of a seven-goal barrage for the Ducks.
Corey Perry and Bobby Ryan each had two goals, and the Ducks got two mildly surprising ones from its workhorse fourth line to crush the visiting Vancouver Canucks, 7-2. The Ducks, who trailed 2-0 just five minutes into the contest, scored seven unanswered on their way to a long-awaited victory. And on a night when the Ducks found the net every which way, they capped it with one of the more bizarre goals of the season from Joffrey Lupul with just more than a minute left.
Following a dominating second period, the Ducks all but put the game away in the third when Ryan scored twice in a span of 2:40 to make it 6-2 Anaheim. Ryan connected on the power play 3:32 into the period, going to one knee to one-time a Ryan Getzlaf pass from the left wing circle. And Ryan did it again at 6:12, when James Wisniewski threw the puck on net and Perry tapped the rebound to Ryan, who slung it high and popped the water bottle.
That put the Ducks in command and they added a crazy one when Lupul sent the puck off the glass from the red line and it caromed off the glass toward the net. Goalie Cory Schneider (inserted at the beginning of the third) had left his position to start chasing the puck and could only watch as it darted into the net.
That put the exclamation point on a Ducks victory that came off a mostly disappointing six-game homestand. "There is a collective sigh of relief, that is for sure," Ryan said. "A lot of games we’ve gotten down and then we’ve gotten out. Tonight, we just found a way to stick with it and battle through. We did the things that we need to do to score goals and it was a nice night for it. Guys came out and answered the bell when we needed it."
And it certainly wasn’t what many had envisioned after the Ducks found themselves in an early hole when they allowed two Vancouver goals in the first five minutes. Steve Bernier scored just 1:06 into the contest, redirecting a Willie Mitchell pass through Jonas Hiller. And Mason Raymond made it 2-0 on the power play at 4:39, getting the puck in front with only Hiller to beat and sending it off the lunging goal and over the stripe.

"They got a two-goal lead on us and we were wondering what the heck was going on," said Ducks coach Randy Carlyle. "We stayed with it. We changed our mindset, got better going through the neutral ice and recovered more pucks on the dumps."
Anaheim cut the lead in half with the first of Perry’s two tallies with 3:29 left in the period. Joffrey Lupul weaved through two Canucks and dropped the puck to Perry on his left, and the Ducks team-leader in goals sent it under goalie Andrew Raycroft. The veteran Raycroft replaced the injured Roberto Luongo, currently on the shelf with a rib injury.
Perry’s goal provided some momentum to the Ducks, who came out and completely dominated the second period. They outshot the Canucks 12-6 and got goals from Perry and fourth-line partners George Parros and Mike Brown.

Parros got his first goal of the year 2:29 into the period, after linemate Ryan Carter put the puck on net and Parros was there to pounce on the rebound and force it through just before being pushed to the ice.
"It was a good line goal," Parros said. "Mike Brown got in hard on the forecheck. I followed up with a hit, causing the puck to get to Carter. He just put it to the net, the puck bounced to my stick and I was able to put it in."
With 4:45 left in the session, Mike Brown got his first of the year, and first career shorthanded, taking a slick Carter pass on an odd-man rush and slipping it under Raycroft. It was the second assist for Carter, playing his first game after missing three straight with a bone bruise in his foot.
"Any time that your energy line can make a contribution on the offensive side plus play their normal energy game, it’s a huge boost for your group" Carlyle said. "They played with energy most of the night. They were our best line early in staying with the structure that we’re trying to create."
Less than two minutes after the Brown goal, Perry struck for the second time, gathering in a rebound after Ryan poked it on net and darting around Raycroft before scoring it. Scott Niedermayer, who got the play going by tossing the puck in front, earned an assist for his 700th career point.
Jonas Hiller was very solid in net on a night where the Ducks didn’t have to lean on him, recording 36 saves, including all 22 Vancouver shots in the third period.
The Ducks turn around and play again tomorrow night in Phoenix before returning to Orange County for three more in a row at Honda Center.
"The most important thing for our mental psyche going forward," Carlyle said, "is it’s a starting point for our group."
GAME NOTES
The Ducks have won three straight games vs. Vancouver and are 3-0-1 in their last four HOME games against the Canucks.
Anaheim has scored at least one power play goal in each of the last three games, going five-for-seven overall (71.4%).
The club’s seven goals tonight is a season high and the first seven-goal game since Mar. 25, 2009 at Colorado (7-2).
Corey Perry has a four-game point streak (3-4=7) and has points in five of his last six contests (5-4=9). Tonight marked his third multi-goal game of the season (2-1=3 points tonight) and the 11th of his career. He has seven goals so far this season through 11 games (he had two goals through the first 11 games last season).
Bobby Ryan recorded his first multi-goal game of the season and the sixth of his career. He also tied a career high with 2-1=3 points tonight (fifth time, last: Apr. 2, 2009 at Vancouver, 2-1=3).
Ryan Getzlaf is riding a four-game point streak (1-6=7), which includes two assists this evening.
James Wisniewski collected three assists tonight (0-3=3), tying his career high for both assists (third time) and points (fourth time) in a game. His last three-point game was Mar. 25, 2009 at Colorado (0-3=3).
Scott Niedermayer became the 24th defenseman in NHL history to reach the 700-point milestone. Niedermayer also has a three-game point streak (1-4=5).
Ryan Carter established a career high for assists (0-2=2) and matched a career high for points in a game. His only other two-point game came on Feb. 8, 2008 at New Jersey (2-0=2).
Joffrey Lupul has earned points in three of the last four games (4-1=5) including a goal and an assist tonight.
George Parros scored his first goal since Mar. 22, 2009 vs. Phoenix.

Tonight’s attendance was 14,756.