Living To Learn

Well I did it, I started my own Meetup today. It's called Living To Learn. This group is for people that want to learn about many different things. We will be learning about cooking, dancing, computers, jewelry making, pottery, finances, gaming, writing, ourselves, and anything else you would like to learn with other inquisitive people.
When I had first thought about starting this group my son came home from High School orientation and was devastated by the fact the school had cut there cooking class. With him wanting to be a culinary artist when he grows up I could see his concern. I had dealt with this before with my older son who wanted to be an artist and was told they were cutting the art class out of the high school. I spoke with many of there friends and learned that there are many things that the kids aren't learning in high school. If you don't learn it in high school and you don't go on to college then when do you learn it? So some of the things that we will be covering are the basics - how to balance a check book, how to cook a meal, how to draw, how to sew, etc... Then we will also learn the fun stuff, how to make jewelry, how to do pottery and work with clay, how to belly dance, how to play black jack, how does a craps table work, how to play Bunco, etc... We can also get into the serious computer functions; excel, word, QuickBooks, e-mail, etc... We will also be getting together as people who have problems so that we can learn that were not alone. We will talk about things like being unemployed, being large in a small world, being single, being parents, etc... There is so much that we all can learn from each other.
I love to learn and wanted to start this group so that I could bring other inquisitive minds together. "A day without learning is a day closer to death." OUCH I plan on learning something new every day."

I am hoping that many great people join and that it is awesome!

The Key to Every Woman's Heart

A group of girlfriends go on vacation and see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "for women only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.


The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you're looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."

The women talk it over and decide to go for it.

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive."

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly."

This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the third floor where the sign reads "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good but there are still two more floors so.........

So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the FIFTH floor has to offer before they settle.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."

English for Both Sexes

The Man's Guide to Female English...


We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it

I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?



The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this

What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

The Game Of Romance: A Man’s Guide to the Scoring System

1) SIMPLE DUTIES


You go out to buy her flowers: +5

But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It’s her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -6

Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS

You visit her parents: +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

And the television is off: -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6

And you didn’t even go to college: -10

And it’s not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

You give her a gift: 0

You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10

You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1

You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2

You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

With her credit card: -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS

You have a few beers: -9

For every beer after three, -2 again

And miss curfew by an hour: -12

You get home at 3 a.m.: -20

You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

And not wearing any pants: -40

Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU

You go see a comic: +2

He’s crude and sexist: -2

You laugh: -5

You laugh too much: -10

She’s not laughing: -15

You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING

You lose the directions on a trip: -4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10

She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):


1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

• Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
• Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."

A Matter Of Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words,


"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Two New Elements Discovered!: Wo and Xy

From Christopher G. Worley, Los Alamos National Laboratory


Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.



Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.



Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Computer Gender

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.


The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

We vs. They

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?? Two mothers-in-law.


A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."

The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. Wedding cake.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months? I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Brains

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.


"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

Santa Claus is a Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!


For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.

• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

• Men don't answer their mail.

• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous — definite guy.

• Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

The Assignment

We had been given an assignment for the past couple of months. After the meeting we needed to listen to the first song that we heard on the radio when we got in our cars and then write a scene about it. Most of the time when I got in the car either the radio wasn’t on or the DJ’s were talking and by the time a song came on I didn’t even think about it. This time was different. It was a cold and rainyWednesday night after 10 pm and as I started the engine, a song came on the radio it was a love song. As the words streamed out of the radio into my ears I could feel a cold chill running down my body to my feet making me numb. Being single for 3 years now I programmed myself to block out love songs so that I didn’t get depressed. As much as I tried to block out the song I kept thinking of the assignment and then it happened. I got really depressed. I flashed back to when we were leaving and Sandy had said “It’s late, you guys better get home someone will be worried.” My kids might be worried if they were awake.

It’s been hard being single, the first year after the divorce I was angry and hurt so I kept busy, very busy, working 60 hours a week and trying to balance the schedule of three kids. The second year I bought a house (a fixer upper), I still worked to much overtime and I started Salsa Dancing lessons on Monday nights and somehow I still barely had time for the kids. The whirlwind of busyness had gone on for 3 years, 2 months, and 18 days until the day I got laid off, or should I say the day after.

The alarm went off and I jumped out of bed, as usual yelled at all of the kids to get up. Got dressed, said bye to the boys, got my daughter in the car and dropped her off at school. I drove to Baker’s Drive Thru for my morning tea and then ….. it hit me, I had no where to go! I tried to think of something that I could do but nothing is open at 7:15 in the morning, so I drove back home. I looked around the house to see what projects I had time for now.  Of course the more projects I took on the more depressed I got, I just kept thinking isn’t this a man’s job. I miss being touched not just sexually but even a hug, or holding hands. I miss looking lovingly into someone’s eyes. I miss doing something and having someone one care how my day went. I hear other people complain about their wife or husband and it really makes me mad. If you’re bitching to bitch then shut up, if you’re seriously not happy then let them go so that they can find their soul mate and you can find yours. I think that’s why I haven’t even tried looking, I feel like he’s not out there yet.

I am grateful for this writing assignment because I had been going through life – just going through it. Since our last meeting on February 24th I have felt, thought and experienced more life then I thought I could handle. Writing helps, but apart of me wants to just jump back into that busy life so that I don’t have to think about it, or feel it. Right now writing a novel, being a Tupperware Lady, fixing my house and my kids is going to have to be enough.

The Car Accident...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends."

The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, "I agree with you completely."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Scene in a Strip Bar

As I drove up to the building and parked I noticed a couple of cars parked out back. I sat in the car for a minute taking deep breaths. I could feel my hands shacking and the warm blood rising to my cheeks. I stepped out of the car and into the cool crisp air wrapping my coat around me tighter. As I walked up to the door I just kept saying to myself, “I’m doing this for my kids, I’m doing this for my kids.” I took another deep breath and walked in. It was very dark; it took my eyes a minute to adjust. I could see a man sitting on a stool at the bar reading the paper, I assumed this was Tony the owner. Another man was mopping the floors.


“Oh hey, you must be Amanda right?” The man said to me.

“Yes, I’m Amanda.”

“Yea Barbie told me you were coming. So you want to try out to be a Dream Girl, huh?” He said as he laughed at me.

“Yes.” I said. I thought to myself again, why am I here, oh yea because I need the money.

“OK so let’s look at the merchandise.” He said as he walked over to me. I gave him a look as if I was a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. He unwrapped my jacket and pushed it off of me dropping it to the floor. I stood there in the sexy outfit that Barbie had me wear. He walked around me looking me up and down just nodding.

“Not bad!” he said as he smacked my ass. “Now let’s see what you can do.” He pointed to the stage.

“Hey Tommy put some music on for this lovely lady.” He yelled.

Thank God “Barbie” whose real name is Janice had been working with me for a couple of weeks now on my routine. I walked up the stairs, my 6” stilettos just barely catching the step so that I didn’t fall back. I walked up to the pole and the music started it was Touch My Body by Mariah Carey. I thought it was kind of appropriate for the moment. I “made love to the pole” like Janice had showed me, and then I slid to the floor crawling like a cat making sure to do movements like having sex “doggy style”. I went through the favorite moves of horney drunk guy’s checklist, remembering to move slowly and touch myself a lot. Then the song was over. I got up and looked over at Tony.

“Well done, now let’s see if you can fuck like that for real.” He said as he motioned to the back room.

“I don’t think so.” I said, as I grabbed my coat and started to walk out.

“STOP! I was just testing you. You got the job, if you still want it.” He said sincerely. “You can start tomorrow night, Angel.”

“Angel?” I asked “Yea that will be your stage name.” He said as he looked me up and down again.

“OK” I said, as I walked out the door. This better pay as much as “Barbie” said if I have to put up with this crap.