I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Three Blondes
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
'You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
Are you ready for this????
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
'You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
Are you ready for this????
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Joe's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now .' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Joe's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now .' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Only Great Minds Can Read This!
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the
window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the win dow.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes
another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three
times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets
30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the
window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the win dow.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes
another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three
times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets
30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
86-year old lady's letter to bank......
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call..
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call..
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
Being A Mother
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take
another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I
know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with
you. "The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who
has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three
children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night
I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. "What's wrong,
are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects
that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. "I
thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I
responded "just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and
then said, "I would like that very much.”That Friday after work, as I
drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She
waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was
wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding
anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. "I
told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were
impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear
about our meeting. "We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant,
was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First
Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu.
Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mother sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic
smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when
you were small," she said "Then it's time that you relax and let me
return the favor," I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of
each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we
arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but
only if you let me invite you." I agreed. "How was your dinner date?"
asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice, much more so than I could
have imagined," I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do
anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of
a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined. An
attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you
and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant
for me. I love you, son. "At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: "I love you." and to give our loved ones the time that
they deserve nothing in life is more important than our family. Give
them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off until
'some other time. 'Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to
normal after you've had a baby.... That somebody doesn't know that once
you're a mother, "normal" is history. Somebody said you can't love the
second child as much as you love the first....that somebody doesn't have
two or more children. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and Delivery....that somebody never watched her "baby" get on
the bus for the first day of kindergarten...or on a plane headed for
military "boot camp. "Somebody said a Mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....well that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds
a new son or daughter-in-law to a Mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a
Mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....that somebody
never had grandchildren. Somebody said your Mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her... That somebody isn't a Mother. Pass this
along to all the "Mothers" in your life and to everyone who ever had a
mother. This isn't just about being a Mother; it's about appreciating the
people in your lives while you have them....no matter who that person
is. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some
kind of battle.
another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I
know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with
you. "The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who
has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three
children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night
I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. "What's wrong,
are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects
that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. "I
thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I
responded "just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and
then said, "I would like that very much.”That Friday after work, as I
drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She
waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was
wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding
anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. "I
told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were
impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear
about our meeting. "We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant,
was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First
Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu.
Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mother sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic
smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when
you were small," she said "Then it's time that you relax and let me
return the favor," I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of
each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we
arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but
only if you let me invite you." I agreed. "How was your dinner date?"
asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice, much more so than I could
have imagined," I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do
anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of
a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined. An
attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you
and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant
for me. I love you, son. "At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: "I love you." and to give our loved ones the time that
they deserve nothing in life is more important than our family. Give
them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off until
'some other time. 'Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to
normal after you've had a baby.... That somebody doesn't know that once
you're a mother, "normal" is history. Somebody said you can't love the
second child as much as you love the first....that somebody doesn't have
two or more children. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and Delivery....that somebody never watched her "baby" get on
the bus for the first day of kindergarten...or on a plane headed for
military "boot camp. "Somebody said a Mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....well that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds
a new son or daughter-in-law to a Mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a
Mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....that somebody
never had grandchildren. Somebody said your Mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her... That somebody isn't a Mother. Pass this
along to all the "Mothers" in your life and to everyone who ever had a
mother. This isn't just about being a Mother; it's about appreciating the
people in your lives while you have them....no matter who that person
is. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some
kind of battle.
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