Banned from Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted
that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I
found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my
dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Chapman,

Over the past six months, your
husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of
condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm
clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato
juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an
employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on
it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service
Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION -
WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the
camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if
they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into
the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling
guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.
11. October 3: Darted around the
store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto
department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of
funnels.
13. October 9: Hid in a clothing
rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 14: When an
announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and
screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ..
15. October 16: Went into a fitting
room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's
no toilet paper in here!'

11 People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter,


10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,

so they decided that one had to leave,

otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person,

until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,

because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything

for her husband and kids or for men in general,

and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,

all the men started clapping……..

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time..
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

The Lovely Bones (2009)

The Lovely Bones is the story of a 14-year-old girl from suburban Pennsylvania who is murdered by her neighbor. She tells the story from Heaven, showing the lives of the people around her and how they have changed all while attempting to get someone to find her lost body.

I have a problem with this movie. As a person that grew up in the 70's and that was almost abducted when I was 3 even then I knew better than to walk off with a stranger. The hole movie is one of those stranger danger moments. You don't walk off with a stranger. You don't climb down a hole a stranger dug. You don't go into a guys house that you think killed your sister.

I would have liked the movie more if she wasn't in the void. If she was an actual ghost and was able to interact with her family and help the police find all of the girls he had killed it would have been way better.

I give this movie 2.5 Stars.

The Blind Side (2009)

First let me just say you will need a box of tisues to watch this movie. It is a moving story that will effect anyone that watches it. Great Story! Great Ending! 4Stars

"The Blind Side" depicts the story of Michael Oher, a homeless African-American youngster from a broken home, taken in by the Touhys, a well-to-do white family who help him fulfill his potential. At the same time, Oher's presence in the Touhys' lives leads them to some insightful self-discoveries of their own. Living in his new environment, the teen faces a completely different set of challenges to overcome. As a football player and student, Oher works hard and, with the help of his coaches and adopted family, becomes an All-American offensive left tackle

It's Complicated (2009)

The movie It's Complicated was a really good real life movie. I think that everyone who has gotten divorced at one point thinks what if. In some situations you can actually act on that and most people that do come to the realization that ex's are ex's for a reason. I would have thought this was the perfect movie if at the end the guy (Alec Baldwin) had said he was going to get his own place and learn to enjoy the quiet.
To often men bounce back and forth from one relationship to other because they are afraid to be alone, or it's the opposite. Men are so afraid of commitment that they will be alone until they die.
This guy obviously needs a wake up call. He leaves his wife for the younger woman, who leaves him for some Cuban. Then she gets pregnant and goes back to him and he takes her back then when she wants to have a baby with him. He wants his ex back.
Only because of the ending I give this movie 3.5 stars.

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

I finally got to see Sherlock Holmes this weekend. All my friends had gone to see it already and told me how great it was. I thought it was a good movie, but the parts where they would play it in slow motion and tell you what he was thinking while he was doing it that was ok, was it nessisary for them to replay it after - NO! Thank heavens it was only a couple of times in the beginning. Other than that the movie was good. I don't think the story line was as clear as it could have been and the relationship between watson and his girl was a bit much. They made it seem as though the guy had never gotten laid. The overall movie felt like a part 2 - like we should have already known what was going on and the relationship between Holmes and Watson before we saw it.

In previous movies and shows about Sherlock Holmes and Watson Watson has always been protrayed as a large man that knows less. A side kick that listens more than he speaks and is learning along with us. In this movie we was the smart one, the one that kept a clear head, and the one that kept Holmes out of trouble.

I liked the old inventions and historical references overall I would give this movie 3 Stars.