Have you ever woke up and looked in the mirror and said OH GOD I look like one of those people from the "What Not to Wear" show.
We are staying at a camping site, and it's been pouring rain so my hair is frizzed up, my gray hairs are sticking straight out and I'm still in my warm pajamas. I'm sitting in an internet cafe typing this on my 18" laptop with my blackberry sitting next to me. I'm sure people are looking at me like I'm a homeless person that ripped off the right car. Or on the show were the boss dresses down and goes undercover but still keeps his cool car, watch and gadgets.
So last I left you it was April and I had a month to get out of my foreclosed home. My oldest son had just left for Texas and I was a stressed out mess. SOOO much has happened since then.
The first week of May our family friends from Alaska came down to help me pack up and move stuff to storage. Yvonne and Gary, Yvonne is my moms friend from high school, she has been like an Aunt or a God Mother to me my whole life. Her son Gary who is six years older than me, I didn't really know, we had never had any conversations and I hadn't seen him since I was 7 years old. I picked them up at the airport and showed them the house. They were overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we had (not hoarder status) but enough. I took Yvonne to my Mom's house and Gary and I got started. We cleared a room out and started stacking furniture in it from the up stairs. We said that he wouldn't help me pack cause I needed to deal with the stuff but that he would move the furniture. He has really big muscles so it was fun to watch him move stuff ; ).
We moved most of the furniture from the house to storage. Bunk beds, bed frame, dresser, 2 desks, book shelfs, night stand, fridge, microwave, washer drier, credenza and hutch, conference table and chairs, reception desk, roll top desk, entertainment center, 14 boxes of Tupperware, and the rest was stuff I had to pack. As soon as we were done moving to storage Yvonne and Gary went back to Alaska. I packed boxes one by one but we did leave 75% of it there. Anything we wouldn't cry over got left behind. I think that there is still stuff in storage that could go to goodwill. So we were out of the house my May 14th, we went to stay with my Mom but she is such a nag we couldn't take it. She would criticize the kids for EVERYTHING and then me, she didn't want the kids making noise, she was crazy about the TV, and the kitchen closed at 9pm. We left every chance we could get... TO BE CONTINUED.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Country Strong 2010
This movie is Rated PG-13. A drama centered on a rising country-music songwriter (Hedlund) who sparks with a fallen star (Paltrow). Together, they mount his ascent and her comeback, which leads to romantic complications involving her husband/manager (McGraw) and a beauty queen-turned-singer (Meester).
I watched this movie last night and I cried through most of it. It was frustrating and sad. I would never want my kids to watch this one even if they were 13. This should only be shown in rehab facilities to show what would happen if you leave before your healed.
I gave this movie 2 stars.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Public Posting
I feel like I've had to hold back since I've been using facebook. Thinking that I shouldn't post my opinions because someone might take them the wrong way. Then I remembered I could come home to my blog and vent my heart out. So much has happened:
Thanksgiving week last year my cousin died. He overdosed on pain killers, he was only 24 years old. My family all took it as a surprise but none was hurt more than I. I am the oldest of this generation and the only one that got to know the cousins, and that new the grandparents. I wish that we all had gotten a chance to know him better.
In December ( Merry Christmas) I got the foreclosure papers and guess what still no job.
By February things looked like they were getting better. I had been on a few job interviews and had some really good prospects lined up. Then nothing. Aunt Skip died of cancer.
By March I told the kids that maybe we could move to Anaheim where there was more opportunities for jobs and we would be closer to the action, if that doesn't work out then maybe Eureka. (We visited Eureka because of the TV show.)(We loved it, they had great summer programs for the kids, but we were there in February for Valentines weekend. I ended up writing a 3 part novel that is based in Eureka.) So I contacted my brothers Aunt and Uncle and asked if they had any units available on there property. They did, so I went a couple of weeks later and someone had already put a deposit on it the night before. Strike One
I had a couple of really good interviews. and a prospect for a job teaching. So I told the kids OK if I get this job then we'll move to Chino and if I don't then Eureka. 4 interviews later I didn't get the job. Strike 2.
So the kids and I put some papers in a hat 1 - Texas, 1 - Idaho, 1 - Alaska, 1 - Eureka, 1 - Arizona. We pulled Eureka so off we go. We have decided to go for the summer and then decide if we want to stay before the kids have to start school. But one of the things the kids love the most is the school program that they offer there. I'm just scared of running out money when we get there. Other than that I have always wanted to live where the beach meets the ocean, and snows at the ocean. They have great beaches, nice people, cool weather, inexpensive housing, co-op groceries, fantabulous programs for the kids in school and out. Lots of cool rocks and shells. and hopefully good jobs that there are fewer people to fight over them. Anyways were going - I really need this.
I told Jon that we were going and that I couldn't take him with us. I asked him if he wanted to go spend time with his Dad and half sister in Texas for a bit before he joined the Army. He said yes but he didn't think his Dad would want him to visit. So I contacted his Dad and his step Mom and they both said they would love to have him. So I bought him a one-way ticket to Texas and drove him to the airport. When he first got there it was OK. I expected him to be busy doing stuff with his Dad. After a week and a half of not hearing anything I was concerned. After him mentioning that they went to garage sales to get stuff for his step son and not mentioning anything about his son, I was pissed. Finally a posting, a picture and a proud comment. I know from experience that it is hard enough not being in your fathers life but when they boast about the other kids, it's like a stab to the heart. So after Jon went to Texas then I realized that I had to pack this 5 bedroom house all by myself. Screw it, I'm just going to pack what we want and leave the rest. I'm tired of dragging all of this crap around with us where ever we go.
This really nice lady from the rock shop died. I had just talked to her 5 days prior.
The plumbing burst in the hallway bathroom, all of the hot water is pouring out.
Time is running out - to much to do to little time.
The stress builds and i try to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel but it gets harder each day!
Thanksgiving week last year my cousin died. He overdosed on pain killers, he was only 24 years old. My family all took it as a surprise but none was hurt more than I. I am the oldest of this generation and the only one that got to know the cousins, and that new the grandparents. I wish that we all had gotten a chance to know him better.
In December ( Merry Christmas) I got the foreclosure papers and guess what still no job.
By February things looked like they were getting better. I had been on a few job interviews and had some really good prospects lined up. Then nothing. Aunt Skip died of cancer.
By March I told the kids that maybe we could move to Anaheim where there was more opportunities for jobs and we would be closer to the action, if that doesn't work out then maybe Eureka. (We visited Eureka because of the TV show.)(We loved it, they had great summer programs for the kids, but we were there in February for Valentines weekend. I ended up writing a 3 part novel that is based in Eureka.) So I contacted my brothers Aunt and Uncle and asked if they had any units available on there property. They did, so I went a couple of weeks later and someone had already put a deposit on it the night before. Strike One
I had a couple of really good interviews. and a prospect for a job teaching. So I told the kids OK if I get this job then we'll move to Chino and if I don't then Eureka. 4 interviews later I didn't get the job. Strike 2.
So the kids and I put some papers in a hat 1 - Texas, 1 - Idaho, 1 - Alaska, 1 - Eureka, 1 - Arizona. We pulled Eureka so off we go. We have decided to go for the summer and then decide if we want to stay before the kids have to start school. But one of the things the kids love the most is the school program that they offer there. I'm just scared of running out money when we get there. Other than that I have always wanted to live where the beach meets the ocean, and snows at the ocean. They have great beaches, nice people, cool weather, inexpensive housing, co-op groceries, fantabulous programs for the kids in school and out. Lots of cool rocks and shells. and hopefully good jobs that there are fewer people to fight over them. Anyways were going - I really need this.
I told Jon that we were going and that I couldn't take him with us. I asked him if he wanted to go spend time with his Dad and half sister in Texas for a bit before he joined the Army. He said yes but he didn't think his Dad would want him to visit. So I contacted his Dad and his step Mom and they both said they would love to have him. So I bought him a one-way ticket to Texas and drove him to the airport. When he first got there it was OK. I expected him to be busy doing stuff with his Dad. After a week and a half of not hearing anything I was concerned. After him mentioning that they went to garage sales to get stuff for his step son and not mentioning anything about his son, I was pissed. Finally a posting, a picture and a proud comment. I know from experience that it is hard enough not being in your fathers life but when they boast about the other kids, it's like a stab to the heart. So after Jon went to Texas then I realized that I had to pack this 5 bedroom house all by myself. Screw it, I'm just going to pack what we want and leave the rest. I'm tired of dragging all of this crap around with us where ever we go.
This really nice lady from the rock shop died. I had just talked to her 5 days prior.
The plumbing burst in the hallway bathroom, all of the hot water is pouring out.
Time is running out - to much to do to little time.
The stress builds and i try to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel but it gets harder each day!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
R.I.P. Ann Teuscher
Ann Teuscher was killed today, this sunny Wednesday. It happened October 13th, 2010 when she went to the local DMV. She was told that she no longer could be Ann Teuscher. That after 10 years she would have to change her name back to Ann Mansfield. It was a long hard year for Ann, having lost her job, her house and now her identity. She will be missed but she is looking forward to the new year and new things to come.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Unemployment in the News
Reports trim fears the economy might slide back into recession
Data on jobless, trade gap offer some hope
This morning (2 am on Friday the 17th) I turned on my computer and loaded the Internet. The above titled article was the first thing I saw on my msn.com link. I read the article and immediately had to comment on the msnbc.com website. Following is what I posted.
This is the most ridiculous report. I'm so sick of employed people reporting on how the job market is going, if they really want to know then why don't they ask the unemployed people. I had been working for a Property Management /Construction Company for 4 years. When Construction took a turn for the worse the Property Management Company couldn't take the expense and the entire company went under. I was laid off in February of this year and finding another job has been hard. There are so many companies out there that now have the choice to only hire people at minimum wage. You have the high school graduates, the people that have run out of unemployment all together and are desperate and the newly unemployed, you offer any of them $10 hr or below and the high school graduate and the unemployment veteran are going to snag that job in a heartbeat. The truly qualified middle-class American or above is screwed. I would have to take 3 jobs at $10 hr or less, just to make the mortgage, car payment, and feed my kids.
My unemployment ran out in August and I just got the letter saying that it will be continued due to the Federal extension. Can you just imagine how many people out there that have run out of unemployment and don't qualify for the extension. Are we comparing the unemployment rate falling with the welfare rate?
You also have the companies that are eliminating positions while they are posting jobs. I have had 14 responses from employers. Thank you for submitting your resume however we have decided to go in a different direction with this position. The next thing you know that position has been eliminated.
If the job market is doing so well then why is my brother getting laid off at the end of October because his employer decided to replace employee's with automated machines. My Aunt's law firm is down sizing and they are letting people go at the end of the year. My Uncle works for a private school and they are planning on closing by next school year. This is not good news people. The other day I was trying to think of someone I knew that had a job (not many).
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Job Hunting
You know the scene in Pretty Women where Julia Roberts comes back from Rodeo Drive and the Hotel Manager pulls her into the office and tells her that she should dress more appropriately if she wants to be seen in the hotel. Then she pulls out all the cash from her pockets and starts crying.
HM: I would also encourage you to dress a little more appropriately; that will be all.
JR: No, that's not all. That's what I was trying to do. I tried to go get a dress on Rodeo Drive today, and the women wouldn't help me and I have all this money now and no dress! Not that I expect you to help me, but I have all of this, okay? I have to buy a dress for dinner tonight and nobody will help me.
That is exactly how I feel. I have all this experience and know one will hire me. When I express my stressed feelings about not having any income, people say well just get a job. I HAVE BEEN TRYING!!! I have applied at every place I can think of. I am overqualified for fast food, and retail stores. I tried not turning in my resume to one employer and just listing the basics on my application but they said I tested to high for the position, come back when they have a supervisory position open.
How about a I have to feed my three kids position - do they have any of those. The doom of a career these days is making to much money. When the economy crashes then companies can't afford to hire you. At this point I will work 2 $10 an hour jobs just to put food on the table and keep the lights on.
Hitting Bottom = No Income, No mate, 3 hungry kids, utilities being shut off, and family that can't help.
Faith = hitting bottom and still believing that everything will be OK.
Crazy = hitting bottom and still believing that everything will be OK.
HM: I would also encourage you to dress a little more appropriately; that will be all.
JR: No, that's not all. That's what I was trying to do. I tried to go get a dress on Rodeo Drive today, and the women wouldn't help me and I have all this money now and no dress! Not that I expect you to help me, but I have all of this, okay? I have to buy a dress for dinner tonight and nobody will help me.
That is exactly how I feel. I have all this experience and know one will hire me. When I express my stressed feelings about not having any income, people say well just get a job. I HAVE BEEN TRYING!!! I have applied at every place I can think of. I am overqualified for fast food, and retail stores. I tried not turning in my resume to one employer and just listing the basics on my application but they said I tested to high for the position, come back when they have a supervisory position open.
How about a I have to feed my three kids position - do they have any of those. The doom of a career these days is making to much money. When the economy crashes then companies can't afford to hire you. At this point I will work 2 $10 an hour jobs just to put food on the table and keep the lights on.
Hitting Bottom = No Income, No mate, 3 hungry kids, utilities being shut off, and family that can't help.
Faith = hitting bottom and still believing that everything will be OK.
Crazy = hitting bottom and still believing that everything will be OK.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Slumdog Millionaire
Yesterday it was on TV and I just happened to see it. NOTHING like they advertised. It is not a FEEL-GOOD movie. In fact I think I cried through most of it. It is a movie about all the crap this kid went through and how it just happened to be that because of his life experiences he was able to answer most of the questions on Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. Then when he is doing really good they beat him because they think he is cheating. During the entire movie he is searching for the love of his life that he met when he was like 6 yrs old. Every time he finds her something bad happens. It was a good movie about the perspective other countries have on game shows.
Life
Well first off let me say - I suck! For someone that loves to write I haven't been doing a very good job at posting on here!
I had been busy working on my books, selling Tupperware, and looking for a job. My books are confusing me and getting complicated, Tupperware isn't selling and looking for a job sucks. I have applied for property management jobs, accounting jobs, graphic design jobs, office jobs, scale tenant for waste management. Either I get no response or I get an e-mail that says thanks for applying but we have decided to close the position at this time. So had I gotten the job I just would have been laid off right away. The economy really sucks right now, or is it just my life.
I had been busy working on my books, selling Tupperware, and looking for a job. My books are confusing me and getting complicated, Tupperware isn't selling and looking for a job sucks. I have applied for property management jobs, accounting jobs, graphic design jobs, office jobs, scale tenant for waste management. Either I get no response or I get an e-mail that says thanks for applying but we have decided to close the position at this time. So had I gotten the job I just would have been laid off right away. The economy really sucks right now, or is it just my life.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Belly Dancing
When I first signed up for belly dancing I was so excited. I had been to a couple of events where they had belly dancers perform. I loved they way they were able to move their bodies. I got ready for class in my comfy loose pants and tank top. I got to the class early and waited out in the hallway for the doors to open. Class began and the 4 of us lined up awaiting instruction. She went over the basic steps and then told us that we would be putting them all together in a dance. She turned and faced the wall of mirrors looking behind her to see if we were following her steps exactly. She couldn't see me because I was standing right behind her, so she had me move over to the left. She started moving and we had to look in the mirror to see all of what she was doing. I looked and I kept seeing this huge woman that barely looked like she was doing the steps. A couple of movements later I realized that was me. I kept messing up the routine, unable to look back into the mirror, I was horrified. She stopped to work with us one-on-one for a while and then some people came in to demonstrate what the full routine would look like when we had gotten it down. I looked over and saw my kids looking through the window. They had been playing at the park and I was glad that they had missed the site of me trying to do belly dancing. At this point I wanted to just go home and throw up.
We left and I held back my tears in the car. When we got home I told the kids I had hurt my knee and needed to go up stairs and lay down. I walked into my room and sat in my office chair. How could I have let myself get this big. I turned and noticed my reflection in the mirrors on the closet door. Then I turned and LOOKED at myself in the wall of mirrors behind me. I realized that even though I had mirrors on 3 out of 4 walls in my room I had actually never looked at myself in them. Come to think of it I had not actually looked at myself in any mirror for the past 14 years. Yea I had pulled a mirror close up to put on my makeup or pluck my eyebrows. I gave myself the daily glance to make sure I matched, but that was it. In my mind I am 125 lbs with long brown hair, perky tits, a plump ass, and a flat stomach. That is who i am when I dream, when I right a story, and when I look down. Every once in a while I would see a picture, get horrified and then forget about it. Not this time the site of all that fat moving when I moved and hiding all of the moving that I thought I was doing has been burned into my retina. That night I dreamt of myself as a fat person. The next day I held up my close before I put them on and they looked like circus tents. The blinders had come off.
A couple of days later we were going hiking and I was excited because exercise would do this body good. We got half way up the hill and I couldn't breath, I felt like I was wearing a fat suit and my joints wouldn't bend. I stopped and thought for a moment. How is it that I could do this hike a month ago with no problem and yet now I thought I was going to die. I don't think that I gained all of this weight in the last month, because all of my close are the same size as they were 14 years ago. So what has changed? Oh yea my perception of myself. How could I go back to thinking thin. Well I definitely wasn't going back to Belly Dancing class. I know I will work on my story and then I will have to think thin. I walked back down the hill and went and sat in the van waiting for the rest of the group to finish. Then when I got home I worked on my story. That night I had a dream where I was back to my old body - the skinny sexy one. The next morning I went back to my ways of not LOOKING into the mirror. I felt better already.
Now I practice my belly dancing in the comfort of my living room (there's no mirror in there).
We left and I held back my tears in the car. When we got home I told the kids I had hurt my knee and needed to go up stairs and lay down. I walked into my room and sat in my office chair. How could I have let myself get this big. I turned and noticed my reflection in the mirrors on the closet door. Then I turned and LOOKED at myself in the wall of mirrors behind me. I realized that even though I had mirrors on 3 out of 4 walls in my room I had actually never looked at myself in them. Come to think of it I had not actually looked at myself in any mirror for the past 14 years. Yea I had pulled a mirror close up to put on my makeup or pluck my eyebrows. I gave myself the daily glance to make sure I matched, but that was it. In my mind I am 125 lbs with long brown hair, perky tits, a plump ass, and a flat stomach. That is who i am when I dream, when I right a story, and when I look down. Every once in a while I would see a picture, get horrified and then forget about it. Not this time the site of all that fat moving when I moved and hiding all of the moving that I thought I was doing has been burned into my retina. That night I dreamt of myself as a fat person. The next day I held up my close before I put them on and they looked like circus tents. The blinders had come off.
A couple of days later we were going hiking and I was excited because exercise would do this body good. We got half way up the hill and I couldn't breath, I felt like I was wearing a fat suit and my joints wouldn't bend. I stopped and thought for a moment. How is it that I could do this hike a month ago with no problem and yet now I thought I was going to die. I don't think that I gained all of this weight in the last month, because all of my close are the same size as they were 14 years ago. So what has changed? Oh yea my perception of myself. How could I go back to thinking thin. Well I definitely wasn't going back to Belly Dancing class. I know I will work on my story and then I will have to think thin. I walked back down the hill and went and sat in the van waiting for the rest of the group to finish. Then when I got home I worked on my story. That night I had a dream where I was back to my old body - the skinny sexy one. The next morning I went back to my ways of not LOOKING into the mirror. I felt better already.
Now I practice my belly dancing in the comfort of my living room (there's no mirror in there).
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Drum Circle
You don't need any drumming experience. Drums will be available for you to use or you can bring your own. The philosophy of drumming is about connecting to the beat within you. Healing, like rhythm, comes from within you.
Daniel Ide is an experienced drummer and a great drum circle facilitator. He has a great understanding of the drum and different sounds that you can get depending on the type and how you hit it.
Above is a picture of a drum circle group. Our group meets in a wood paneled room with wood floors. If you just sit while the others are drumming and put your hands on the top of the drum then you can feel the vibrations go through your hands and feet. It is amazing!
OBMS
A nonprofit organization and club promoting education of geology, and the lapidary arts. Donations accepted receipts available upon request, and for larger donations.
Working with Gem Stones and Rocks is called Lapidary.
Lapidary is fun and rewarding. All are welcome to join our meetup group. You will find good information in our links area, the OBMS news letters offer a wealth of information. We also have photos of events and field trips, so join up even if you are not local to this area. We offer Training, and access to a fully tooled Work Shop. Training includes, Lapidary, Field Trips, go collect your own Gems and Rocks with our group and group leaders!
We give instruction on making Jewelry, Silver Smithing, Wire Wrapping, learn how to carve, and much more. After you collect your Gems and Rocks, or make some Jewelry you can sell your finds, and art work at our “Gem and Mineral Tail Gate Show’s” This is a regular event to support our nonprofit organization, so that we can continue educating the community young and not so young and everyone in between, about minerals and the Lapidary arts.
On the first Thursday of the month the general Public is invited to visit our work Shop, and receive the valuable instruction on turning stones into jewlery. You will be shown how to use the shop equipment and have a hands on experience to make your own piece. We will even include the material for your first FREE Visit as our Guest.
THE WORK SHOP IS LOCATED AT: 205 W. BENEDICT #8 SAN BERNARDINO, CA
Just off of Arrowhead Ave, by the Orange Show Grounds
You are welcome to come by any time that we are open for up to four free visits. Visits include personal instruction and the use of the general workshop, first timers will recieve a free gem/lapidary slab to work with and help in creating your first jewlery ready lapidary stone, known as a Cab. Saw use and other items require a donation to use, so that we can replace blades and so on.
You are welcome to become a full OBMS member fees run between $25 and $45 a year( depending on the size of your family), with a $10 first time enrollment fee. Shop or class fees are $5 each time
We are Open, Mondays through Thursdays 5:00 pm to 9:00 pm.
Saturdays 10:00 am to 3:00 pm and often other times as well.
Shop Number: 909-381-0089 Email: OBMS_PR@yahoo.com
Metal Arts Society of Southern California
The Metal Arts Society of Southern California is having their Annual Demonstration Day.
It is from 10 am to 3 pm and the cost is $15 per person.
They have a great line-up of demonstrators.
Melinda Alexander - Riveted Stone Setting-Capture a stone with the simple technique of Rivets
Marne Ryan - Organic Metals-The opportunity to play with fire constructively while creating rich textures in sterling silver
Connie Fox - Define Design-This demo will cover several strategies for clarifying, deepening, and expanding your awareness of your personal jewelry design sensibility
Sandra VanderMey - Coloring Titanium- Enhance your expressions by adding the language of color
Ruth Shapiro - Put Your Best foot Forward- Learn how to make displays that will enhance your work
This event was so informative. There was about 120 people there so we were split up in groups.
We viewed Melinda Alexanders demonstration first. She showed us techniques she had used to make rings and bracelets using rivets. The picture at the right shows an example of that. The 2 stars have been separated by rivets to give it a 3D effect. There are many uses for rivets - you can solder rivets together to get more of a graphic design.
Then we went Sandra VanderMey for her demonstration on Coloring Titanium it was amazing to find out that the amount of electricity applied to a piece of Titanium directly affects the color it will change. Also how applying a torch to the same metal gives you more of a rainbow effect. The picture at the right is torched Titanium twisted and turned into earrings.
We were then sent to Ruth Shapiro's demonstration of jewelry show displays the most amazing part of her demonstration was that almost everything she showed us was something that we could find for free. The picture at the right is an example of a bracelet tree made from paper towel rolls. If you painted it with a little textured spray paint and everyone will think that you paid tons for it.
We had a delicious lunch catered by Togo's with salad, water, cookies, chips, and a variety of sandwiches. Then they served cake which we were to full to eat.
After lunch it was on to Marne Ryans demonstration of Organic Metals - we were the most impressed with her techniques. She takes sheets of silver and fuses them together by layering and torching. This gives her pieces a unique 3 dimensional feel and look while still being one solid piece. It gave us great ideas of different things we could do. I just wish that sheets of silver weren't so expensive.
We went to our last demonstration with Connie Fox who gave us more great ideas about defining our own personal design. The sociology of it all. Make what you like. I think that's great advice.
I would suggest that if anybody has a chance to go next year that you definitely do it.
It is from 10 am to 3 pm and the cost is $15 per person.
They have a great line-up of demonstrators.
Melinda Alexander - Riveted Stone Setting-Capture a stone with the simple technique of Rivets
Marne Ryan - Organic Metals-The opportunity to play with fire constructively while creating rich textures in sterling silver
Connie Fox - Define Design-This demo will cover several strategies for clarifying, deepening, and expanding your awareness of your personal jewelry design sensibility
Sandra VanderMey - Coloring Titanium- Enhance your expressions by adding the language of color
Ruth Shapiro - Put Your Best foot Forward- Learn how to make displays that will enhance your work
This event was so informative. There was about 120 people there so we were split up in groups.
We had a delicious lunch catered by Togo's with salad, water, cookies, chips, and a variety of sandwiches. Then they served cake which we were to full to eat.
We went to our last demonstration with Connie Fox who gave us more great ideas about defining our own personal design. The sociology of it all. Make what you like. I think that's great advice.
I would suggest that if anybody has a chance to go next year that you definitely do it.
World Labyrinth Day
On World Labyrinth Day people are joining together all over the world and at 1pm (Pacific Time) we will all walk labyrinths together trying to send a wave of good feeling over the earth. If your wondering what a labyrinth is I have given you many definitions but to some it up it is a maze that you walk in peace and quiet thinking about what you would like to focus on in the up and coming month. So you would walk into it with a positive good intention and walk out with a plan. I personally love labyrinths because they calm me. I think this will be a great event and I hope you join me.
Prehistoric labyrinths are believed to have served as traps for malevolent spirits or as defined paths for ritual dances. In medieval times, the labyrinth symbolized a hard path to God with a clearly defined center (God) and one entrance (birth).
Labyrinths can be thought of as symbolic forms of pilgrimage; people can walk the path, ascending toward salvation or enlightenment. Many people could not afford to travel to holy sites and lands, so labyrinths and prayer substituted for such travel. Later, the religious significance of labyrinths faded, and they served primarily for entertainment, though recently their spiritual aspect has seen a resurgence.
Many newly made labyrinths exist today, in churches and parks. Labyrinths are used by modern mystics to help achieve a contemplative state. Walking among the turnings, one loses track of direction and of the outside world, and thus quiets the mind. The Labyrinth Society provides a locator for modern labyrinths all over the world.
What the Inland Empire Metaphysical Family is Saying about this meetup:
Join us for the second annual World Labyrinth Day with the intention of spreading the healing benefits of the labyrinth. This is a global event that brings people from all over the planet together in celebration of the labyrinth as a symbol, a tool, a passion or a practice.
We will "Walk As One at 1" in an attempt to create a wave of peaceful energy moving around the planet. People will be walking a labyrinth at 1:00 P.M. in their local time zone. Think Globally, Walk Locally.
There will be a variety of Labyrinths to walk, you may walk one or all of them.
We went the first day of May, it was a gorgeous day. The wind was blowing just enough to keep the sun at bay. We walked all over the Glen Ivy center property exploring 5 different Labyrinths. We had nice snacks in the gazebo while the children went on a nature hike. Everyone had a great time.
Prehistoric labyrinths are believed to have served as traps for malevolent spirits or as defined paths for ritual dances. In medieval times, the labyrinth symbolized a hard path to God with a clearly defined center (God) and one entrance (birth).
Labyrinths can be thought of as symbolic forms of pilgrimage; people can walk the path, ascending toward salvation or enlightenment. Many people could not afford to travel to holy sites and lands, so labyrinths and prayer substituted for such travel. Later, the religious significance of labyrinths faded, and they served primarily for entertainment, though recently their spiritual aspect has seen a resurgence.
Many newly made labyrinths exist today, in churches and parks. Labyrinths are used by modern mystics to help achieve a contemplative state. Walking among the turnings, one loses track of direction and of the outside world, and thus quiets the mind. The Labyrinth Society provides a locator for modern labyrinths all over the world.
What the Inland Empire Metaphysical Family is Saying about this meetup:
Join us for the second annual World Labyrinth Day with the intention of spreading the healing benefits of the labyrinth. This is a global event that brings people from all over the planet together in celebration of the labyrinth as a symbol, a tool, a passion or a practice.
We will "Walk As One at 1" in an attempt to create a wave of peaceful energy moving around the planet. People will be walking a labyrinth at 1:00 P.M. in their local time zone. Think Globally, Walk Locally.
There will be a variety of Labyrinths to walk, you may walk one or all of them.
We went the first day of May, it was a gorgeous day. The wind was blowing just enough to keep the sun at bay. We walked all over the Glen Ivy center property exploring 5 different Labyrinths. We had nice snacks in the gazebo while the children went on a nature hike. Everyone had a great time.
Salt - Day X Exists
So we were sitting the theater this weekend waiting to see Iron Man 2 and the previews came up for SALT. I turned to the kids and asked "hasn't that movie come out yet?" I have seen this movie advertised for so long that I thought it had come out and i just missed it. So in the preview that they flashed they advertised a new game they launched called SALT - Day X Exists. So I went and checked it out. It kinda seems like another way to draw out the advertising until the actual opening.
You log in and watch a clip then you interact with the computer and play a mini game giving you a score depending on how you play and how fast you play you are given a score. Then you are suppose to read the closing report and find the clue codes. There are also bonus codes that you find in the trailer. I think it's cool but the Movie is suppose to come out July 23rd 2010. You will be given a new mission to complete every week for 9 weeks which just happens to get you all the way to the week of the movie opening. If you want to check it out go to www.dayxexists.com
Lemon Festival
We enjoyed good friends and good times, with great food, carnival rides and games, lemon flavored items, and artisans from all parts of California. We were located next to the gazebo so we could see most of the foot traffic. There was tons of people that were there on Saturday during the day, it did slow down a little at night. I did notice that a lot of people had purchased less this year than last year. Last year I watched as people walked by with bags of stuff from local vendor booths strollers with stuff and parents carrying kids. This year they went for the food and the fun and looked at vendor items but not much buying going on.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Living To Learn
Well I did it, I started my own Meetup today. It's called Living To Learn. This group is for people that want to learn about many different things. We will be learning about cooking, dancing, computers, jewelry making, pottery, finances, gaming, writing, ourselves, and anything else you would like to learn with other inquisitive people.
When I had first thought about starting this group my son came home from High School orientation and was devastated by the fact the school had cut there cooking class. With him wanting to be a culinary artist when he grows up I could see his concern. I had dealt with this before with my older son who wanted to be an artist and was told they were cutting the art class out of the high school. I spoke with many of there friends and learned that there are many things that the kids aren't learning in high school. If you don't learn it in high school and you don't go on to college then when do you learn it? So some of the things that we will be covering are the basics - how to balance a check book, how to cook a meal, how to draw, how to sew, etc... Then we will also learn the fun stuff, how to make jewelry, how to do pottery and work with clay, how to belly dance, how to play black jack, how does a craps table work, how to play Bunco, etc... We can also get into the serious computer functions; excel, word, QuickBooks, e-mail, etc... We will also be getting together as people who have problems so that we can learn that were not alone. We will talk about things like being unemployed, being large in a small world, being single, being parents, etc... There is so much that we all can learn from each other.
I love to learn and wanted to start this group so that I could bring other inquisitive minds together. "A day without learning is a day closer to death." OUCH I plan on learning something new every day."
I am hoping that many great people join and that it is awesome!
When I had first thought about starting this group my son came home from High School orientation and was devastated by the fact the school had cut there cooking class. With him wanting to be a culinary artist when he grows up I could see his concern. I had dealt with this before with my older son who wanted to be an artist and was told they were cutting the art class out of the high school. I spoke with many of there friends and learned that there are many things that the kids aren't learning in high school. If you don't learn it in high school and you don't go on to college then when do you learn it? So some of the things that we will be covering are the basics - how to balance a check book, how to cook a meal, how to draw, how to sew, etc... Then we will also learn the fun stuff, how to make jewelry, how to do pottery and work with clay, how to belly dance, how to play black jack, how does a craps table work, how to play Bunco, etc... We can also get into the serious computer functions; excel, word, QuickBooks, e-mail, etc... We will also be getting together as people who have problems so that we can learn that were not alone. We will talk about things like being unemployed, being large in a small world, being single, being parents, etc... There is so much that we all can learn from each other.
I love to learn and wanted to start this group so that I could bring other inquisitive minds together. "A day without learning is a day closer to death." OUCH I plan on learning something new every day."
I am hoping that many great people join and that it is awesome!
The Key to Every Woman's Heart
A group of girlfriends go on vacation and see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "for women only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you're looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."
The women talk it over and decide to go for it.
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly."
This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the third floor where the sign reads "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good but there are still two more floors so.........
So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."
The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the FIFTH floor has to offer before they settle.
When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you're looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."
The women talk it over and decide to go for it.
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly."
This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the third floor where the sign reads "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good but there are still two more floors so.........
So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."
The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the FIFTH floor has to offer before they settle.
When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
English for Both Sexes
The Man's Guide to Female English...
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
The Woman's Guide to Male English...
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
The Woman's Guide to Male English...
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.
The Game Of Romance: A Man’s Guide to the Scoring System
1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn’t even go to college: -10
And it’s not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He’s crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She’s not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn’t even go to college: -10
And it’s not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He’s crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She’s not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
• Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
• Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
• Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
• Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."
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